Thursday, December 30, 2010


Well, Christmas was pretty good this year. My parents nearly ruined it, but not quite. I do think next year I'll be skipping their Christmas. At my fiances family thing, it was really good, as usual. Got a lot of money this year, and it's burning a hole in my pocket, lol. Was just planning on ordering my meds and parts for my old Gateway laptop. Then I got reminded about teardrop trailers, and thought that since I already had a trailer, I should build one.

Went and priced the wood needed and then I figured out the trailer I had had the axle welded to the frame. So that idea went out the window. Oh well. Well, part of my money will be going towards a 30s Kodak camera for film and developing chemicals. I hope to do some neat stuff with the fact it can do time lapse photos. Can't beat an old fashioned cardboard box, lol. Will be getting a camper top (hopefully) tomorrow for my Yota. I'm really thinking about getting myself a new digital camera. I have a Sanyo camera that's shaped like a video camera, and that's my issue with it. I want a point and shoot camera again. I would really like to get into photography and having a decent camera would help. I'm thinking about checking out some pawn shops for a DSLR, but I doubt I'll find one. Wally World has a camera for like $150 that is more than I need that would be nice. Who knows. Guess I'll post if I get one.

Hmm... what else to write about...

Still looking for work. Soon as the first of the year is here I'll try applying for Wally World again. Don't want to, but I almost bet I'll get a job there if I apply. Oh, finally decided to try seeing a shrink. I think I'm at a point I need one. I've been able to fight off depression most of my life pretty easily, but not anymore. Everything stresses me out now. The other night the fiance and I were watching Easy A (which I need to go buy, BTW), and for a small instance while the movie was going on, I didn't feel depressed at all. I can't even remember when I last felt like that. It was a good feeling, but it didn't last. That's one thing I liked about taking photos.

Back when I had my first digital camera, no matter where I was taking photos, I was happy. Someone could sneak up behind me and kill me, and I'd never see it coming. On the parkway between Hwy 129 and Hwy 321 was the best. I used to go up there for hours taking pictures. I miss that. Maybe I should just go get that camera I was looking at and go out taking photos everywhere again.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I need to post a bit more.

Not sure why, but it doesn't seem like I'm posting as much as I should. Eh, who know...

Hopefully I get through this post before I get sick or something. I think I'm coming down with something, and smoking is making it worse. Anyway. Yesterday was pretty good.The fiance worked, and her moms b-day party happened. Had some good food there. On a funny note, I was the only person that could properly reassemble 2 Transformers, lol. My ADHD helped quite a bit, haha. Had some good food, and came home once everyone decided to leave. Had planned on meeting up with a gut that had a clock and radio he wanted to sell, but when I texted him, all I got back was, in bed. Nothing more, nothing less. It kinda pissed me off cause he was the one that suggested us meet up so I could look at the stuff. I was just like screw him if he's going to be that way. We needed to go to Wally World for me some shampoo/conditioner and body wash. Can't think of the kind of shampoo/conditioner I use, but it's the only stuff that keeps my hair from knotting up so fast. The body wash is Dial vanilla and honey, and it rocks. Keeps my skin moist, because since upping my meds, my skin wants to dry out really bad. Doesn't help it's winter though.

Anyway, go ready to head to Maryville and the guy texted back asking who I was. I was like, WTF?!? Said I was the person who was gonna look at the stuff. Eh, don't feel like tying the whole story so I'll cut to the end. After screwing with him a little, we met at Wally World. I ended up buying the clock which was a 4 foot tall master synchronous clock. In decent shape too other than the bottom board being rotted. While I BS'ed with him, come to find out, he is getting rid of his grandfathers stash of stuff. He told me he had a bunch of the really old cuckoo clocks, so after Christmas, I plan on going and checking the stuff out. I've wanted a cuckoo clock for years because it' one of the things my foster mom had that I remember.

Today, the fiance worked again. When she got off, we went to her dads house to do a Christmas thing there. We got there and hung out for a bit and started watching the movie, The Book Of Eli. Freakin awesome. I so wanna download it now. But anyway, back to the story. We stooped the movie part way through to eat dinner, which her dads girlfriend fixed. Lasagna. It was like an orgy in your mouth it was soooooooooooooo good. I wish I had some right now, lol. After eating, my fiance got some cute blue pj's, and we both got a huge tin of popcorn. Her little brother got a huge RC car. Then we were finishing the movie, and she wanted to leave. It was getting late, so I understood. Her dad said we outta finish he movie and I'm glad we did.

Oh, while we were all watching the movie, her dads dog, was flopping around chewing on a bone and while doing that, hit me right in the freakin nipple. It took everything I had not to cry my eyes out. It hurt sooo bad. Oh, well. Well, time for bed. Later! :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Good day today.

Tried going to the Career Center today, but it was closed. On the way back, stopped by an antique shop after grabbing a bite to eat, and added another radio to my collection. An Emerson 505 portable from 1946 for $5. It's in decent shape, just needs recapped and a new dial lens made. The fiance got her mom a purse for a Christmas from Belk. Haven't had to deal with my parents at all either. Nothing really to add about my transition for today. Nothings too sore, so yeah. Later.

Not so interesting day today.

Today wasn't so interesting. Feel free to read elsewhere if you get bored easy.

Woke up a little early today, not too much. My neck was still killing me. Was going to write last night, but my neck hurt so bad I just went to sleep. It didn't hurt as bad today, but I was still miserable. When I'm hurting bad like that, I start to question everything. Like my transition. I question why I want to, and end up making myself feel like shit. Like today, I questioned whether I would really be able to go full time. What's odd is that I know for a fact I couldn't live as a guy anymore, but as a woman seems too scary to do. But having to live at my parents has a major part in my thoughts like that. They're so old fashioned and closed minded, they have me feeling ashamed to be myself. The faster I can get away from them the better. Too bad the economy has to be in the shitter, otherwise, I would be working like I wish I was and I wouldn't be here again. Getting to go to Foothills Mall and Wally World was a good distraction though.

Tomorrow since she's off, we will be going to Gatlinburg to the career center. Hopefully I can find at least a lead on a job.If I could quit forgetting to I need to apply at Blount Memorial Hospital. A good friend may help me get on there. Oh, while I'm at the career center, I'm going to ask where and who I need to talk to about low income housing. I need away from my parents, even if it means I'll lose my chance of going to school for now. I'm starting to rant now, so I'm gonna call it quits for the night. Later.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Yesterday had to be the most stressful day I've ever had in my life. Freakin' snow storm hit out of the blue with little warning and I was stuck on one of the most dangerous highways in Tennessee on ice. It was everywhere. My 4X4 Hilux did my no good on the ice either. It has an open differential in the front and limited slip in the rear, so the front end had traction but the rear wanted to slide around everywhere. Arg! Didn't even make it home last night it was so rough. Had to stay at the fiance's grandmothers house. It was nice not having to drive through all that, but I didn't sleep worth anything. Went to bed around 12, and woke up at 2. Stayed up till 5-5:30 or so, and slept till 10, then got up.

Besides that, things haven't been too bad lately. Parents still a total pain in the ass, but that's nothing new. I can't speak with them at all without them trying to argue something. My lack of any attempt to ignore their ignorance is just as bad, but still. They're wanting me to go to college still, but I don't think I can do it. Having to live here another 2 years would be hell. Plus, everything involved with my transition doesn't help matters worse.

Speaking of that, it's been progressing quite well. Ok, here's something for anyone reading with their nipples pierced. I had my right nipple pierced. (Couldn't do the left it hurt so bad, lol.) Well, the expected tenderness and occasional pain had started rather early, but was more located in my left boob, rather than roughly even between them. A better explanation would be this. On a scale of 1-10 of increasing pain, my left boobs pain and tenderness was around a 5 or 6. My right boob was barely a 1. It was tender, but no worse than a light bruise.

So, worried that my nipple ring may affect growth, I stressed over it for a week or 2. Finally a couple days ago, I took it out. Kinda weird feeling it not there anymore, but it was out for good. Well, in a couple days, my left boob was a steady 6 now, and my right boob went from a 1 to almost 5. Besides my limited experience of this one time, I seriously think having your nipples pierced would hinder good breast growth. Just my non-medical opinion. But seriously think about it if you're just starting out in your transition.

I meant to say in my last post that as of roughly 2 full months of hormones (maybe 3, can't remember), here's my progress. I was a typical hairy guy with fast hair growth everywhere, and course hair. Now, don't have to shave my legs but every 2 to 3 days. Face, almost 2 full days before a shave is really needed. Arm hair has become soft and is thinning. Weight hasn't been a problem what so ever for me, unlike some girls. I was around 245 or so (I'm 6'3"), and now, I think last I weighed, I was 228. Also, in texting a friend who hadn't seen me since before I started hormones, said there were things he noticed, like a little change in my face, and attitude.

So far in my transition, things are going great. Couldn't ask for it to be better. I'm at the point with my parents I'll be looking into low income housing to get out of here. If my fiance and I can get a place, I'm going to go full time, and after a year roughly, I'm going to go to the only Dr in Knoxville that does anything with transpeople and get a paper to get my hormones the legal way and to get some plastic surgery. I've actually been thinking of staying pre-op but getting an orchiectomy, basically castration. Then I wouldn't have to deal with taking Spiro and would need less estrogen, which means cheaper meds. The first thing I need to do is get a tracheal shave. My Adams Apple has been a source of embarrassment and depression since I was little, even before I realized I was trans. I was made fun of for it because my puberty hit in just a years period. Whatever. That's all a while from now. Well, I'm gonna go get me a cigg before King Of The Hill comes on. Later! :)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Been a good day today. (Long post)

Today was nice. It was the fiances last day off for vacation. We went to Ruby Tuesday and ate appetizers, and went to my friend and her husbands house to play some Wii and eat pizza. Not as good as I had hoped, but we got a late start, and made the best of it we could.

I ended up getting a new (to me) phone. My purple LG Rumor Touch fell behind the bed the other day. It started turning on and off constantly, so it was obvious it was time for another phone. It is still under warranty, but not having insurance, it would have to be shipped back to the manufacturer for an unknown amount of time. I'm addicted to texting, so that wasn't an option. So off to Craigslist I went. All I was finding were cheapo old flip phones, and Blackberry's. my fiance texted about a couple Blackberrys, but no luck. Then it hit me when she and I were at the book signing of Alex Debagorski. My friend Megan has a Blackberry that she isn't using. :)

After a bit of texting, we worke out a deal for it, and of we went to her house to get it. We hung out for a bit and the fiance had quite a bit of trouble getting the phone activated for me. Megans house is in a hole that cell signals don't make it to.

My first thoughts were Blackberry phones were for more business-y people, but OMG! I've fallen in love with them now. I have a purple Blackberry Curve 8530. Not the newest one, but still really nice.
It's considered entry level, but I'm amazed at what it can do. I've gotten many apps for it, and am in the process of finding a cover. I'll do my own review tomorrow if I get a free moment.

Anyway, I've been slowly upping my meds. Estrogen is at 3 mg and Spiro till yesterday was at 250 mg. The past couple days, I've been getting hat flashes like no other and a bit of nausea sporatically. None of it was bad, just uncomfortable. I've been at 3 mg of estrogen for about a full month, but 250 mg of Spiro for a couple days. So seeing the pattern, I cut my Spiro to 200 mg again today. No hot flashes or nausea, besides the normal stuff I get at night. I'll try 225 mg of the Spiro tomorrow, and if it works well, I'll stick with that till after the first of the year. I'll hopefully be getting the bloodwork done to see where my estrogen and testosterone levels are. I know they aren't exactly where they should be, but I feel like they're close. My boobs are really tender. Well, more like directly behind my nipples. And I mean really tender. Anything touching them right now hurts, but in a good way, lol,ince that means somethings going on in them. Hopefully growth. :)Also, eotions have gotten a lot stronger. I've always been a softy, but there are things nowthat are for sure going to make me cry, whether i like it or not.

But from what I've learned from my Dr, and other pre and post op girls, everyone needs a certain amount of the meds for them to work. No more, no less. Less doesn't get the desired results, and more doesn't speed up the changes, but just increases the side effects, which aren't that good. That little tid bit is why I think I'm prett darn close to where I need to be.

Anyway, I was planning on going back to school, but life seems to be taking another direction. So, at the moment, I'm going to continue the job hunt, look for a friend, and better myself with photography. No school means I more than likely will never afford SRS, but oh well. Guess that's life. Maybe I can get good enough with my photography skills I could afford it. Who knows. Kinda depressing thinking about it. Well, I'm gonna get to sleep before I get too depressed, so later.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Soapbox time...

Ok, lemme just step up onto my little soapbox... alright. Here we go.

Yesterday (Wednesday) started out another great day of my fiances vacation. We both slept late, and were just lazy all day. After dinner, we went into our room and started talking. My mom decided she must not have bitched enough today, so came and started talking through the door. I said hold on, were talking about something. Nothing new, she got pissy. All over wanting me to get the trash. Not like it couldn't have waited 5 damn minutes.

She kept on bitching about who knows what, putting me down, calling me lazy, the norm. Well, the fiance and I needed to go get some Sprites, so I figured I'd get my shoes on before I got the trash. She went into the kitchen, and my mom started running her mouth spewing lies as usual. I ignored most of it, until I heard one thing. The other day, she came banging on my door yelling she wanted to keys to my truck to get leaves. No asking nicely, just abruptly waking me and demanding them. Well, since I smoke, I'm really pissy till I have my first ciggarette. Typical smoker trait. So I told her no. Nothing more, nothing less. Didn't yell, nothing. She started yelling and bitching over who knows what (I was still haf asleep), and I dozed off. After I got up and got going for the day, she tried as hard as she could to avoid speaking to me. Turned out to be a decent day, lol.

Anyway, she brought that up tonight telling my fiance she asked me nicely and I acted all childish saying no. That did it for me. I finished getting my shoes on, and wopened the door and told her she rudely demanded th keys and she needed to stop her lieing. She said something to the sort of, well we do all kinds of stuff for you, take care of your og, etc. For one, when my fiance and I moved in here, all we asked for was a place to sleep. Nothing more. I've asked nothing of them, and not expected anything. I told her that was a load of crap and said something about my dog. (when I get pissed off, I have trouble remembering things) I told her she doesn't need to do anything with my dog for the fact she doesn't do anything I say for my dog. She tries teaching different commands than were already taught, lets her eat cat shit, get in poison Ivy (I'm really allergic).

What really gets me is my mom kicked my dog hard enough to scare her one day. That's saying something since my dog doesn't show emotion ever when it comes to pain, unless it's relly bad. So I don't trust her period with any animal. Well, after tonight, we decided that my parents will have nothing to do with our dog at all. Hopefully that will lift a little stress off me.

To explain how pissed off I was tonight, read on. My parents know nothing about me. Nothing. I've dealt with suicidal depression on and off since I realized who I was (5 or 6 years old). They've instilled in me that anything other than being a stereotypical heterosexual  is wrong and shameful. So, I've never been able to talk to them ever. I've actually been at the point of trying to cut my wrists or holding a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger. All because they led me to think what I was was something wrong and to be ashamed of. Just a couple months ago, my fiance sat with my till she had to go to work in the morning to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself.

My mom had me so worked up, I wanted to just say, look, because of your small minded way of thinking, you made me the way I am. I've been depressed my whole life, not getting to experience it the way I should because you've made me feel ashamed about who I am. Well, I'm transgendered and proud of it. I won't be ashamed anymore. I'm already on hormone replacement therapy, and I plan on living full time as a woman as soo as I get the hell away from you.

Well, that's what I would have said if she hadn't walked off trying to get pity from me. I'm still irritated enough that I may still tell her anyway. I'm wanting to go to college, but I can' afford the $20 enrollment fee and the gas to get there since I had to get a new (to me) phone the other day. My grants, if I figured them right, should pay for everything, minus supplies. My aprents said they'd help with school, but I seriously believe that was just another lie. So, when I ask if they're for sure, not maybe, helping with school, and they say no, I may tell them. The fiance and I are seriously thinking about taking up a friends mom for a room at her house to get the fuck away from here.

Ugh, I need to get to bed.

~Stepping off soapbox~