Friday, April 8, 2011

Well, my blogs going to be changing...

Well, my blogs about to change. There are people that have been reading it that I don't want reading it, so I'll be starting it with a new URL. If you follow it, or just want to read it still, email me at tubes 2 transistors @ gmail . com for the new URL. Just take the spaces out, and you have the email.

See ya soon!


Monday, April 4, 2011

Just another day...

Just another day of getting the ex fiances crap together so maybe she will eventually come get it and get out of my life. You know what? I have something I need to get off my mind.

I know I've said things about Tiffany on here that weren't exactly the nicest. But don't take that the wrong way. I loved her and still do with all my heart. I wish we could have stayed together. If she had come back to me, I would have accepted her with open, loving arms. There would have had to been a few changes on her part for sure, but I would have accepted her. Being engaged to her was the best thing that ever happened to me, and probably ever will.

I've been trying to think about why she left me. Seeing that not too long before she did, we came out to her family, and their antiquated, hypocritical, and discriminatory (not sure if that's the word I'm thinking of) ideals and supposed morals (lack of more like it) took it badly and told me I was no longer welcome there. Really though, it's her grandmother (Ruby Williams) that makes a poor attempt to run the family and keep it in the stone age. She's such a hypocrit that it isn't even funny. She calles herself a Christian, but thinks she can judge others. She would even talk crap about Tiffany's dad right to her. That woman is pathetic. But hey, I'm not passing judgement on her by any means. God will have his say on her in the end, and I bet it won't be good.

I actually looked up a few minutes ago to see if her business had ever been reported to the Better Business Bureu, and didn't see it listed with any complaints. Well, after tonight, it does now. :)

Really thinking about it, I'm really glad this happened. Yes, we had what on the surface was a good engagement, but underneath, there was Tiffany cheating constantly, lieing constantly, and just being cold hearted. even though that's the case, I do miss her. It's mainly because we had been together so long.

BTW, I put money on it that when Tiffany ran off, she ran off to get fucked by another random guy again. But hey, that's her choice to sleep around like that. She will probably end up doing just like her mom and marrying man after man after man never staying with just one. I'm just glad I got out when I did.

But hey, things are going well enough for me now I'm happy without a bit of sadness in me. Talking to multiple guys who all want me, working towards going back to college, and finally opened up enough to go to clubs, and I love my life. My bff is the best thing to happen to me in years and I thank God he had us meet. :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

OMG!!!!! Best night ever!!!!!!

Where to begin, lol. Well, earlier today, the guy I met online the other day got his cell fixed finally and the more I talk to Scott, the more I fall for him. :) He's sooooo great. He's older than me by a bit, but OMG!!! He's just so freakin' awesome!!! I swear, if he keeps up this sweet talk, I know for a fact, he will have me by his side forever. Like seriously, no girl or guy I've been with has been so perfect!!! Just talking to him, I melt. :) He's been on my mind 24/7 since we first started talking. :D

Anyway, the rest of the night. Me and my bff Tiffanee went to Club XYZ, and this had to be the best night of my life! I finally got to meet my friend Xena, and she is awesome! She looks even better in person and was awesome performing tonight. Club XYZ has to be the most awesome place I've ever been, and getting to see Xena just made it better. Just glad I'm single cause my ex would never have gone with me or prolly even have let me go there to meet her. Life is better now that I'm single than it ever was being engaged.

Got a new place to go hang out and drink and maybe get drunk, lol, meet new people that won't judge me, and have the best bff in the freakin' world now! I just can't get over how much better my life is now. Yeah, it sucks sleeping alone, but if things keep going well with Scott, I may not have to sleep alone much longer. :P 

Oh, finally figured out a makeup combo that hides my facial hair completely. Something interesting about tonight. This was the first time I had been out in public around a lot of people dressed, and no anxiety attacks while I was out! I just can't get over how much life is getting better! I swear, the more I think about it, all my ex ever really did for me was hold me back emotionally and with my self confidence, and kept me in my depression. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret getting with her or getting matching tattoos together, but I'm so happy that horrible part of my life is over.

I can finally get to be who I really am without being told things that just make me feel bad about who I am. Life's so good to me now. No more antidepressants, no more depression, no more suicide attempts, making progress on my cutting, and.... I finally met the man of my dreams.

Finally... I can say life is good and not lie...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A major life changing experience.

Well, Tiffany left me. Not that I didn't see it coming, but she left.

When she left, it was on a Monday. I woke up, started texting her, and got no reply. (The first sign) I as usual started freaking out, cause my mind thought, 1, she was in a car wreck and something had happened to her, or 2, she left me. She finally texted me back when I said I was coming to Motel 6 here she worked, and said she had left a note in our room.

That's how she had tried leaving me in the past. Not by talking about the problems we were having, but leaving a note that essentially would say she was running away from her problems. Nothing new.

Anyway, her note said she was leaving for a day or two, and then she'd be back to talk to me. As usual, since I actually cared about our relationship, unlike her, I freaked and was trying everything I knew to get her to come to me so we could talk about things. By the time she texted back, she said she was too far to come back, which was a load of shit if you really love someone. No distance is too far for love.

I, being a cutter and suicidal, went into that mode again. I was going to start cutting myself at home while I was trying to get her to come home. But I knew if my parents saw bloody towels, they'd ask what happened, so I grabbed a towel and left. I drove around for a few minutes, and finally decided on Food City to be here I was going to cut myself. I parked behing the gas pumps at the road, since I knew others wouldn't likely see me when parking. I sat there for about a half hour, and thought I would just go ahead. So I got out my knife, and thought, I have nothing else to live for, so why bother living. I no longer had my fiance, I had no real job (I'm self employed), no house of my own, and like 3 friends that wouldn't even notice I was gone.

So instead of cutting the inside of my thigh like usual, I was just going to hack through my wrists and sever every vein and artery I could get do. I sat there and thought about it for a few minues, and decided that was what I wanted to do. I put my phone in my lap, held my open knife in my right hand, and layed my left arm on my leg, wrist up.

I don't have any idea what made me do it, but before I started cutting, I picked up my phone and texted the best woman in the world, Whitney. All I said was I'm going to cut my wrist. Not a minute later after I had opened my knife again, she texted back. Her words were "Get your ass to my house now!" Again, I don't know why, but I put my knife up and went to her.

When I got there, Whitney and her friend from rehab Kari were waiting for me. When I went in, the first thing that happened was Whitney came to me, and hugged me while I cried for a minute. Then, Kari hugged me, and I broke down crying and started shaking. I didn't feel like I could even stand so they helped me to the couch. We all sat there and talked for a while, and I explained what happened to them. They both thought what Tiffany did was horrible, but tried to console me and convince me there might be a chance she would come back to me. I knew she wouldn't though.

Whitney and Kari both wanted me to stay that night cause they were afraid I might try cutting my wrist again. They were right though. If I were alone, I would have. Later, we all piled into my Yota to go to a friends house. He found out I'm trans and was completely cool with it. He said, you're the same person I knew years ago, just with different looks. That made me feel good.

Once we made it back to Whitney's house, they were ready for bed. So I layed on the couch and started crying again.Whitney and Kari came back into the living room to find out what was wrong. More talking, and they asked me to come sleep with them. I said I didn't wanna bother them, and I'd be fine on the couch. I guess no wasn't an answer and they almost drug me to bed with them. I got stuck in the middle, which I didn't mind one bit. :) 

I have to say that I slept better than I ever have that night. As usual, around 2ish, I woke up having to pee. When I woke up, me and Kari were cuddling. :) So I went to pee, and got back in bed with them. Whitney just moved to the middle so I wouldn't have to climb over her again. Once I got situated in bed, I was facing Whitney. She and I just stared at each other for a few minutes and I dozed off again.In the morning, I woke up cuddling with Whitney. :) How many people can say they cuddled up with 2 girls in the same night and the same bed? Lol.

Not too long after I woke up, Whitney woke up and saw the time and that her dad would be there soon to check on her. So we all got up and dressed before he got there. Anyway, he got there and checked to see how things were going with us all. The three of us hung out for a while till I realized I had a dentist appointment to go to not too long from then. They were both asking and asking if I was going to be ok to go, and I said yeah.

I left and went to the dentist. When I was taken back to the chair, as soon as my butt hit the chair, I broke down to the nurse Sherry. I told her everything, and she told me she would pray for me that night. That made me feel a little better, at least enough not to cry anymore then. Finished up there and went on home. I was sitting in my room, and I broke down again. I texted Whitney, and she told me to come back to her.

When I went back to her, she held me, and consoled me, and helped to calm me down enough to relax a little. We talked a while, and I had my bouts of crying. She started asking about things beteen me and Tiffany, the last of which was about our non-existant sex life. She didn't say anything about it, but said, I know what would make you happy right now, and she climbed on top of me and stared kissing me very passionately. She tasted so good. Whitney gave me the first erection I'd had in over a year for a woman. It was amazing. While we kissed, our hands explored a little. Not enough t really be second base, but sorta. :)

After a long while of that, she climbed off me and lit a ciggarette. I asked if I did something rong, and she said, damn, you're good. She said her ex husband wasn't anywhere near that good. :D It was late after that, so we decided to go to bed. We stripped down and got in bed, and cuddled. Words can't explain the feeling of someone wanting to cuddle since Tiffany never did. Before we went to sleep, I told Whitney that I had liked her since I first met her years and years ago. She was quiet for a second which scared the bejeezus out of me. Then, Whitney said something I never expected to hear. She said she had liked me too since I first started coming over. She said that if I had told her then, she would have left her prick of a husband for me.

We talked more and went to sleep. The next day, I had a therapy appointment, and did some stuff around the house. Whitney called later that day, I went back over, for a hile and we got to kno each other better, and I went home for the night. I went back over the next day, and we talked and decided that for now we should just be friends. Maybe we could try dating later, but now friends.

Fine by me. I owe her everything cause if she hadn't texted back Monday, I would have cut my wrist and probably be dead right now. So whatever makes her happy, makes me happy.

Friday, Tiffany said we were through. I freaked for a little bit, but not as long as someone else would. I was like screw it, I'm not letting this get me down. I just need more friends to stay happy and not give a shit. So I got on Craigslist and started looking in strictly platonic. The first ad was from a girl in Kodak, so I was like, alright. The first time someone young from somehere other than Knoxville. I emailed her and long story short, we're bff's now. Tiffanee is the best person I've ever met in my life. She's awesome. We will be friends forever, I just know it. But after replying to her ad, I posted one, and have met a super hot girl Sara. She and I have similar ideals, she's bi, and perfectly fine with me being a tranny. She actually thinks it's hot. :)

Anyway, a summary of this past week, which was a huge crossroad in my life. Tiffany Sellars left me (probably was cheating on me for like the 20th time), I almost committed suicide, got saved, met my bff, got to know Whitney on a super personal level, and met a super hottie that's sent me some pics that have gotten me all worked up. So even though Tiffany left me running away fro her problems like a little girl, I took the high road and was the better person. I wanted us to split nicely, and split our stuff, but Tiffany took the low road and became a thief. She stole a decent amount of my clothes out of spite or something along with the memory card to my camera. It doesn't surprise me in the least though. But hey, everyone gets what's coming to them. It on't be from me by any means, but God might have a say in her actions.

But, after all this, you kno what? With my bff, and my accepting parents, I don't need Tiffany and I'm actually happier now than I was with her. I also realized that besides Sara, Whitney, or a redhead girl, I'd rather be with a man than Tiffany.

She may have pissed me off and driven me to suicide, but you know what? I don't hate her. I do still love her. Because of one thing. Her help in coming out to my parents. I didn't know anyone else at the time that ould have helped and she was willing to. I'm eternally grateful for that. and out matching tattoos? I won't have mine changed. I'll always cherish the good times we had together. If it hadn't been for her stealing my clothes that were a gift from a friend, I would have been mor than willing to stay friends. But that was her choice, and i'll happily live ith it.

Anyway though, I'm seriously happier now than I ever have been in my life.

Life is good...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Just another day...

... of stress, depression, and anxiety attacks. I had a really bad relapse into deep depression Friday night. Started feeling suicidal again, told Tiffany, and she hid the knives from me. I'm glad she did because I might not have made it through the night otherwise.

But the weekend wasn't a total waste. Got to cook dinner for my friend and her husband and Tiffany. I did chicken breasts that were cut into thin slices lie strip, with paprika and garlic powder, with baked potatoes. Both of those were cooked on the grill outside, and Tiffany fixed mac and cheese and some garlic cheese bread. It was so good. They thought it was too, and that was awesome cause I haven't cooked for anyone other than Tiffany and my parents, and even if my cooking wasn't that good, I don't think they would tell me. My friends eating my cooking and liking it really meant something. They were a neutral party that could complain and it be ok.

But they didn't complain. They said they loved it. It was a good feeling. Another plus was Saturday. Got all girlified and just planned on relaxing since I had a headache, but I started feeling sick and feeling like I needed out of the house for a while. Not sure what was different that day but I just walked out the front door to my truck. No hiding anything.

That was a good day and a good confidence booster. Hopefully there will be more like that.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Seems like life is getting better

The fiance and I are getting our relationship back on track ad good again, planning on getting married soon, hopefully be full time soon, and I just seem happy. Can't get any better.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bored and hungry

Well, like the title says, I'm bored and hungry. The hormones along with my antidepressants have been changing me a lot lately. Used to love reading forums, and just browsing the web. Lately, I've been lucky to be online for more than half an hour a day now. Just don't have the desire now. And I almost always feel like I'm hungry, but nothing I eat seems to help the hunger. It's like I'm hungry for something in particular but I can't figure out what.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I'm out finally!

Well, I'm finally out to my parents, along with most everyone I know now. Went well with my family but not with the fiance's family. Oh well, I'm not going to lose sleep over it since I didn't expect anything else. (Hun, if you're reading this, I promise I didn't mean that in a bad way, just expected the worst and got it.) Anyway, I'm not sure what else to write about tonight, so I guess I'm going to bed. Later.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Well, I'm back.

I can't stay quite about my emotions. I'm not cold hearted like some people. It is Tuesday now. Last Saturday, I had a nervous breakdown and tried cutting my wrists. It was over many, many things, so I won't go into them here. But, now I'm seeing a therapist, and have started on antidepressants. Not sure if I like them though. Make me sleepy 24/7 and knock me out within a half hour of taking them. The Dr that gave them to me was a quack. Said no Dr would ever prescribe Spiro over 50mg for anything, and said I didn't need them to take estrogen. I can promise I won't be going back there again.

She prescribed me the generic version of Celexa, Citalopram. I've decided I do not like it at all. First, it knocks me out. Then, the whole next day, I'm drowsy, and feel like I actually need a nap. Then, on top of that, I feel nothing. No emotions for anything. I can't freakin' stand that. I like being emotional about things. I don't think I'll take it anymore. Wish I hadn't tonight. I really think all I need is therapy sessions. After my first session, I felt great. Better than I have in years. Damn Dr. had to mess that up with pills. I take enough already, I don't need more.

Oh, well. Live and learn. I'd much rather deal with my depression than just take a pill to make it "disappear". So, unless I get suicidal again, I'm done with antidepressants.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

No more for a while

Hate to say it, but I won't be posting here anymore for a while. Maybe again someday.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


   Things just don't seem to be going my way at all today. Kinda pisses me off. If it weren't for getting to return the Nikon camera I bought after Christmas, and eating with the fiance at Pizza Hut, this would have been a shitty day.

First thing that happened was my Sony USB CD/DVD burner's USB board got fried. Normally wouldn't be an issue, but my desktop is down cause for some reason I wanted to change the OS. So it had a blank hd. Well, I "acquired" a copy of Windows 7 to stick on it along with either Ubuntu or Debian. The ISO was on my failing netbook. So all I had to do was burn it to a DVD. Sounds simple right? Well, I booted Puppy Linux cause I know it had an ISO burning app on the Live CD. Worked fine. So I still needed to gt the ISO to the desktop, which sounds easier than done. Tried copying it to a flash drive. Took 10 damn tries to get it on it, along with multiple formats. So I finally got it on the flash drive. Figured it was a bad copy, so in Puppy, I checked the MD5, which was still good. The burn at 2x went great (seemed a bit fast for 2x, but whatever), and it booted. Install went ok, had trouble skipping the serial for it, but got the install done. It booted with some crappy Microsoft drivers. Found the driver for the Nvidia 6150LE vid card, it installed fine. Took damn near forever to get the audio driver, and it didn't work worth a shit. Never could find the other drivers for the mobo, even though I found links through Google that showed they existed at one point. The killer for me was not finding the driver for the wireless card. So I said fuck it at that point. Fuck Windows in general. Pain in the ass OS that isn't worth shit. Why would anyone want to pay for a computer loaded with an incomplete OS that needs extra software to make it secure and less virus prone? I'll stick with Linux, thank you.

Anyway, next up in the list of problems was my netbook, an Acer Aspire One. It's one of the buggy as hell first gen netbooks. Wish I had never bought it now. Biggest POS I've touched. To date, the original battery crapped out, 2 sets of speakers blew, the audio chip actually fried on the motherboard, the multi memory card slot quit working, the power cord developed multiple shorts and fried, and the USB ports are pretty much no longer working. I had a Gateway Solo 2500 thats now 13 years old. Has a good battery, good audio, decently fast with Puppy Linux, but has a cracked screen. If I could afford a good screen, I'd be set on a computer, but unfortunately I don't.

I'm also getting quite impatient getting money in my Paypal account from my bank. Once it's in there I can finally order my Noogleberry, which the owner of the company, who is a very nice woman, BTW.

Oh, finally got my meds a day or two ago. My body isn't liking this lack of and full on with the meds. Probably unhealthy as hell, but you know what? I don't care. I have worse health problems and have gone through worse, so this isn't going to kill me, but it's a PITA. I'll have to make sure I don't miss more than a day or so again.

Anyway, I now have no desktop and a slowly failing POS netbook. It sucks. But you know what makes things better? Listening to Lucie Lebrun from Mypollux sing.  If it weren't for her voice, I'd prolly be pretty pissed off. But whatever.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

It's too damn cold

   I used to like the cold. Not so much anymore. I remember when I was little, when it would get cold as it is now during the day, it snowed, every time. Not always a lot, but it snowed every single time. This is the first years in forever that's actually snowed, and stuck, but it's been twice now, and it's just damn cold. I just came in from smoking, had one cigarette, and my hands and feet were numb.

This past summer I wished it was winter, and now that it is, I wish it was summer.But, I wasn't on hormones either. I think I read somewhere that they lower your metabolism, but the way I'm freezing this year, it wouldn't surprise me if it were true.

Since it's so cold, I've been thinking about starting to read some again. I have the whole Foundation series written by Isaac Asimov, and have read it multiple times. If you haven't read any of it, I suggest getting the books and reading them. I guess I could give a quick summary of them. The whole series covers multiple centuries, thousands of years into the future. The whole series has subject matter of a science, psycohistory, invented by Harri Seldon, which he and his foundation use it almost like fortune telling, but for real. He sees the fall of the Galactic Empire, the rise of the Mule, and other things. The books take you around the galaxy, through many planets, with many people. In the end, Earth is found again.

Very worth reading.

Friday, January 7, 2011

It's snowing again.

   Looks like it is snowing here again. Probably won't stay too long, but I hope so. I love the snow. My dog Ariel does too. I really should post a vid of her playing in the snow.

Still waiting on my hormones to get here. I knew I ordered them a bit late, but I didn't think I'd run out. Oh well. It happens. Going to be ordering a Noogleberry system soon as I get the money into my Paypal account. I don't plan on using to get my boobs, since that's what the hormones are for, but to just help them grow a little faster. The results posted in their forum are just short of miraculous. There's a trans girl there that went from completely flat chested to a good sized C cup in only a few months. That's all I want so even if the hormones won't get me there, the Noogleberry should, or at least close.

Something new. After months of wondering and thinking, I shaved my arms. Even before I accepted who I was, I never liked body hair in any form, besides my head of course, lol. I have to say I really like it, and probably won't ever let it grow back.

I'm sorta depressed about spending my Christmas money so fast. Damn gas is what got me. At the rate I'm using my new camera, I'm tempted to take it back to get $140 back. Not like I'm really using it. Going to have to sell some of my radio stuff, but I really don't want to. Some stuff maybe, but not enough to make it worth it. Too bad it's so damn cold. I need to work on my storage boxes for my truck, and get some pics of stuff to sell. This time of year is just sucking.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Music and suicide

Music is like 75% of me. Literally everything else in my life could be taken away from me, and I could care less (not literally but you know what I'm saying). But taking my music would break me so fast.

Growing up, I was seclusive. I didn't like meeting new people, being in charge of anything, or doing anything in front of anyone. I stayed away from all that like it was the plague. Family figured that out, and it wasn't too big of an issue. In primary school, a couple fights made me not want contact with anyone, so I quit talking to nearly everyone. I bought my first portable radio/tape player when I was 7 or 8, and listened to it waiting for the bus, on the bus ride, during breaks at school, at lunch, and the bus ride home. I became what some would call "addicted" to music of all sorts. Listening to music pretty much 24/7 helped relax me to think clearly about what at the time I considered "my problem".

In 4th grade, close to the end of the year, I got in trouble for something, and my parents wouldn't let me listen to the radio as I fell asleep. That devastated me to ends undescribable with words. That was the first time I became suicidal.

Before I go on, I don't feel I had much of a childhood. I "knew" too much. Just like now, it ruins a lot of things.

Anyway, I got a 45 cal. revolver from somewhere I won't mention while my parents went out of town for the weekend. I sat in my bed and wanted to die. I thought about killing myself for hours, and finally decided to do it. I couldn't stand who I was anymore, and emotionally couldn't deal with what life was dealing me. So I turned the radio off, and wrote a note explaining to my parents why I did (was going to do) it. After I finished, I sat there, put the pistol in my mouth, and pulled the trigger. Nothing. The firing cap must have been a dud, because absolutely nothing happened. All I had was one round, so I couldn't try again. Put the pistol up, got rid of the shell and cried myself to sleep.

Several years went by, then I was in middle school. I still listened to music 24/7. I had gotten myself a record player and records, and fixed an 8 track player I had an got hundreds of 8 tracks. Music was obviously becoming a major thing in my life. In middle school, puberty started for me. I started before a majority of everyone, so I felt like I was a freak or something. I was depressed constantly. My parents sent me to shrinks for multiple things, and the last I went to, after asking about my dreams, wanted nothing to do with seeing me. I had, and still have, dreams that would drive people crazy. I'm talking graphic as in any of th million ways of torture and death you can imagine. Imagine combining that with night terrors.

Those dreams and the constant depression of who I was and was becoming was too much for me. Towards the end of middle school, I tried slitting my wrists, but didn't get anywhere. Don't know what happened exactly, but it didn't work.

Onward to high school. My sophomore and junior year was one long acid trip. No clue how I afforded enough to stay that way, but I did. Well, during high school is when I realized I was bi. It didn't take me long to accept that part of myself, but right after I did, a girl a grade above me came out as a lesbian and was taunted to no end. She ended up changing schools after the taunting and being beat to a pulp several times. After seeing that, I got so afraid for myself, for the fear of being outed to who I really felt I was. One day, after a couple hits of acid, and smoking a couple bowls of pot at a neighbors house, I went home and wanted to kill myself again. I thought that the acid would do like it had been and make those thoughts go away like usual. But it didn't. Around midnight that night, I tried to overdose on the acid. I think I had 20 hits left on me, and I took 10 or 12. It wasn't enough, since all it did was give me a bad trip. I don't remember much after taking them, but I do remember waking up the next morning curled up in the fetal position under all my clothes in the floor of my closet. I was sick for days, and ended up not doing acid anymore after that.

I transfered schools my junior year, and ended up graduating a semester early.After high scool, I worked several meaningless jobs, staying depressed for the time. I got s bad, I barely ate anything for days on end. I'd smoke 2 or 3 packs of Salem Black Label ciggarettes, and drink dozens of Code Red Mtn. Dews. I was running myself into the ground hard and fast.

Oh, ever since I was adopted, I went all the time to see my foster mom, who I called Aunt Sylvia. During all the crap of high school, I quit going to see her. I think I saw her once during high school. Now, I don't regret anything I've done in my life, and I've done some really bad things. Then, when I was 20, she died. I hadn't seen her in at least 5 or 6 years. FYI, I've never cried over anyones death in my life till I lost her. (At the time, I had a highly modified mini truck I would street race and road race sometimes) When I found out she died, I drove like a bat out of hell to my girlfriend at the times house and cried for hours. I quit my job. I've never gotten over the fact I didn't ant to go see her before she died.

BTW, I just broke down writing the last couple sentences.

After her funeral, I started almost daily running The Dragon (Google it of you don't know what it is) and the adjoining the Parkway hoping I would make a mistake and disappear over one of the bluffs. 3 days after my 21st b-day, I was in a 11 car pileup. The moron that caused it died on impact, 2 friends ended up in the ER, and multiple people had to be airlifted to the hospital. I was the only person uninjured. I didn't have a seat belt on, and my mini truck slid under the car I hit. Before I actually wrecked, I nearly had a huge wheel and tire go through my windshield. I swerved just in time to not get hit by it. My depression got worse that day. Because some idiot wanted to get high and drink and drive, I lost a truck I had worked on and customized for over 4 years. I had literal blood, sweat, and tears in that truck. Aut Sylvia had to have been looking out for me that day. The State Troopers and the paramedics on the scene all said there was no way I wasn't injured, and I should have died.

Anyway, up till then, music wasn't that important, like it was years before. Same goes for religion. Because of the level of danger of the wreck, I decided I needed religion and opened up towards everything. I've studied every religious book you can imagine. Sadly, nothing has ever just felt right to me. Every organized religion wants nothing to do with non hetero people. But in my study of religion, I came into my beliefs. It's based off Christianity, but not, at the same time. The Bible is the book of choice, but I have a different interpretation. But that's for another post or PM's.

Anyway, music now has become the one thing that keeps me from falling into a deep depression. I don't know what it is about hearing music, but it just melts away any stresses I have. I've been watching/listening to musi videos on youtube the whole time I've written this. Here's the main songs I listen to

First are 2 songs from Mushroomhead.

Save Us and Embrace the Ending.

Ghost Machine - Headstone


Perfectly Flawed

Ghost Flowers


Any Lady Gaga song

and lastly, Katy Perry's song Firework

When I listen, I drift off into my own little world, where I have no stresses I'm the right sex, and I'm comfortable with myself. Doesn't really matter if I listen to my list, or even shortwave. Numbers stations are fun too. Search Youtube if you've never heard one. I feel like I can finally forget about my horrible life, and be truly happy. Stopping is hard, because I come crashing down.

I don't know why I felt the need to write this, but I just felt I should.