Well, Christmas was pretty good this year. My parents nearly ruined it, but not quite. I do think next year I'll be skipping their Christmas. At my fiances family thing, it was really good, as usual. Got a lot of money this year, and it's burning a hole in my pocket, lol. Was just planning on ordering my meds and parts for my old Gateway laptop. Then I got reminded about teardrop trailers, and thought that since I already had a trailer, I should build one.
Went and priced the wood needed and then I figured out the trailer I had had the axle welded to the frame. So that idea went out the window. Oh well. Well, part of my money will be going towards a 30s Kodak camera for film and developing chemicals. I hope to do some neat stuff with the fact it can do time lapse photos. Can't beat an old fashioned cardboard box, lol. Will be getting a camper top (hopefully) tomorrow for my Yota. I'm really thinking about getting myself a new digital camera. I have a Sanyo camera that's shaped like a video camera, and that's my issue with it. I want a point and shoot camera again. I would really like to get into photography and having a decent camera would help. I'm thinking about checking out some pawn shops for a DSLR, but I doubt I'll find one. Wally World has a camera for like $150 that is more than I need that would be nice. Who knows. Guess I'll post if I get one.
Hmm... what else to write about...
Still looking for work. Soon as the first of the year is here I'll try applying for Wally World again. Don't want to, but I almost bet I'll get a job there if I apply. Oh, finally decided to try seeing a shrink. I think I'm at a point I need one. I've been able to fight off depression most of my life pretty easily, but not anymore. Everything stresses me out now. The other night the fiance and I were watching Easy A (which I need to go buy, BTW), and for a small instance while the movie was going on, I didn't feel depressed at all. I can't even remember when I last felt like that. It was a good feeling, but it didn't last. That's one thing I liked about taking photos.
Back when I had my first digital camera, no matter where I was taking photos, I was happy. Someone could sneak up behind me and kill me, and I'd never see it coming. On the parkway between Hwy 129 and Hwy 321 was the best. I used to go up there for hours taking pictures. I miss that. Maybe I should just go get that camera I was looking at and go out taking photos everywhere again.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
I need to post a bit more.
Not sure why, but it doesn't seem like I'm posting as much as I should. Eh, who know...
Hopefully I get through this post before I get sick or something. I think I'm coming down with something, and smoking is making it worse. Anyway. Yesterday was pretty good.The fiance worked, and her moms b-day party happened. Had some good food there. On a funny note, I was the only person that could properly reassemble 2 Transformers, lol. My ADHD helped quite a bit, haha. Had some good food, and came home once everyone decided to leave. Had planned on meeting up with a gut that had a clock and radio he wanted to sell, but when I texted him, all I got back was, in bed. Nothing more, nothing less. It kinda pissed me off cause he was the one that suggested us meet up so I could look at the stuff. I was just like screw him if he's going to be that way. We needed to go to Wally World for me some shampoo/conditioner and body wash. Can't think of the kind of shampoo/conditioner I use, but it's the only stuff that keeps my hair from knotting up so fast. The body wash is Dial vanilla and honey, and it rocks. Keeps my skin moist, because since upping my meds, my skin wants to dry out really bad. Doesn't help it's winter though.
Anyway, go ready to head to Maryville and the guy texted back asking who I was. I was like, WTF?!? Said I was the person who was gonna look at the stuff. Eh, don't feel like tying the whole story so I'll cut to the end. After screwing with him a little, we met at Wally World. I ended up buying the clock which was a 4 foot tall master synchronous clock. In decent shape too other than the bottom board being rotted. While I BS'ed with him, come to find out, he is getting rid of his grandfathers stash of stuff. He told me he had a bunch of the really old cuckoo clocks, so after Christmas, I plan on going and checking the stuff out. I've wanted a cuckoo clock for years because it' one of the things my foster mom had that I remember.
Today, the fiance worked again. When she got off, we went to her dads house to do a Christmas thing there. We got there and hung out for a bit and started watching the movie, The Book Of Eli. Freakin awesome. I so wanna download it now. But anyway, back to the story. We stooped the movie part way through to eat dinner, which her dads girlfriend fixed. Lasagna. It was like an orgy in your mouth it was soooooooooooooo good. I wish I had some right now, lol. After eating, my fiance got some cute blue pj's, and we both got a huge tin of popcorn. Her little brother got a huge RC car. Then we were finishing the movie, and she wanted to leave. It was getting late, so I understood. Her dad said we outta finish he movie and I'm glad we did.
Oh, while we were all watching the movie, her dads dog, was flopping around chewing on a bone and while doing that, hit me right in the freakin nipple. It took everything I had not to cry my eyes out. It hurt sooo bad. Oh, well. Well, time for bed. Later! :)
Hopefully I get through this post before I get sick or something. I think I'm coming down with something, and smoking is making it worse. Anyway. Yesterday was pretty good.The fiance worked, and her moms b-day party happened. Had some good food there. On a funny note, I was the only person that could properly reassemble 2 Transformers, lol. My ADHD helped quite a bit, haha. Had some good food, and came home once everyone decided to leave. Had planned on meeting up with a gut that had a clock and radio he wanted to sell, but when I texted him, all I got back was, in bed. Nothing more, nothing less. It kinda pissed me off cause he was the one that suggested us meet up so I could look at the stuff. I was just like screw him if he's going to be that way. We needed to go to Wally World for me some shampoo/conditioner and body wash. Can't think of the kind of shampoo/conditioner I use, but it's the only stuff that keeps my hair from knotting up so fast. The body wash is Dial vanilla and honey, and it rocks. Keeps my skin moist, because since upping my meds, my skin wants to dry out really bad. Doesn't help it's winter though.
Anyway, go ready to head to Maryville and the guy texted back asking who I was. I was like, WTF?!? Said I was the person who was gonna look at the stuff. Eh, don't feel like tying the whole story so I'll cut to the end. After screwing with him a little, we met at Wally World. I ended up buying the clock which was a 4 foot tall master synchronous clock. In decent shape too other than the bottom board being rotted. While I BS'ed with him, come to find out, he is getting rid of his grandfathers stash of stuff. He told me he had a bunch of the really old cuckoo clocks, so after Christmas, I plan on going and checking the stuff out. I've wanted a cuckoo clock for years because it' one of the things my foster mom had that I remember.
Today, the fiance worked again. When she got off, we went to her dads house to do a Christmas thing there. We got there and hung out for a bit and started watching the movie, The Book Of Eli. Freakin awesome. I so wanna download it now. But anyway, back to the story. We stooped the movie part way through to eat dinner, which her dads girlfriend fixed. Lasagna. It was like an orgy in your mouth it was soooooooooooooo good. I wish I had some right now, lol. After eating, my fiance got some cute blue pj's, and we both got a huge tin of popcorn. Her little brother got a huge RC car. Then we were finishing the movie, and she wanted to leave. It was getting late, so I understood. Her dad said we outta finish he movie and I'm glad we did.
Oh, while we were all watching the movie, her dads dog, was flopping around chewing on a bone and while doing that, hit me right in the freakin nipple. It took everything I had not to cry my eyes out. It hurt sooo bad. Oh, well. Well, time for bed. Later! :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Good day today.
Tried going to the Career Center today, but it was closed. On the way back, stopped by an antique shop after grabbing a bite to eat, and added another radio to my collection. An Emerson 505 portable from 1946 for $5. It's in decent shape, just needs recapped and a new dial lens made. The fiance got her mom a purse for a Christmas from Belk. Haven't had to deal with my parents at all either. Nothing really to add about my transition for today. Nothings too sore, so yeah. Later.
Not so interesting day today.
Today wasn't so interesting. Feel free to read elsewhere if you get bored easy.
Woke up a little early today, not too much. My neck was still killing me. Was going to write last night, but my neck hurt so bad I just went to sleep. It didn't hurt as bad today, but I was still miserable. When I'm hurting bad like that, I start to question everything. Like my transition. I question why I want to, and end up making myself feel like shit. Like today, I questioned whether I would really be able to go full time. What's odd is that I know for a fact I couldn't live as a guy anymore, but as a woman seems too scary to do. But having to live at my parents has a major part in my thoughts like that. They're so old fashioned and closed minded, they have me feeling ashamed to be myself. The faster I can get away from them the better. Too bad the economy has to be in the shitter, otherwise, I would be working like I wish I was and I wouldn't be here again. Getting to go to Foothills Mall and Wally World was a good distraction though.
Tomorrow since she's off, we will be going to Gatlinburg to the career center. Hopefully I can find at least a lead on a job.If I could quit forgetting to I need to apply at Blount Memorial Hospital. A good friend may help me get on there. Oh, while I'm at the career center, I'm going to ask where and who I need to talk to about low income housing. I need away from my parents, even if it means I'll lose my chance of going to school for now. I'm starting to rant now, so I'm gonna call it quits for the night. Later.
Woke up a little early today, not too much. My neck was still killing me. Was going to write last night, but my neck hurt so bad I just went to sleep. It didn't hurt as bad today, but I was still miserable. When I'm hurting bad like that, I start to question everything. Like my transition. I question why I want to, and end up making myself feel like shit. Like today, I questioned whether I would really be able to go full time. What's odd is that I know for a fact I couldn't live as a guy anymore, but as a woman seems too scary to do. But having to live at my parents has a major part in my thoughts like that. They're so old fashioned and closed minded, they have me feeling ashamed to be myself. The faster I can get away from them the better. Too bad the economy has to be in the shitter, otherwise, I would be working like I wish I was and I wouldn't be here again. Getting to go to Foothills Mall and Wally World was a good distraction though.
Tomorrow since she's off, we will be going to Gatlinburg to the career center. Hopefully I can find at least a lead on a job.If I could quit forgetting to I need to apply at Blount Memorial Hospital. A good friend may help me get on there. Oh, while I'm at the career center, I'm going to ask where and who I need to talk to about low income housing. I need away from my parents, even if it means I'll lose my chance of going to school for now. I'm starting to rant now, so I'm gonna call it quits for the night. Later.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Ugh
Yesterday had to be the most stressful day I've ever had in my life. Freakin' snow storm hit out of the blue with little warning and I was stuck on one of the most dangerous highways in Tennessee on ice. It was everywhere. My 4X4 Hilux did my no good on the ice either. It has an open differential in the front and limited slip in the rear, so the front end had traction but the rear wanted to slide around everywhere. Arg! Didn't even make it home last night it was so rough. Had to stay at the fiance's grandmothers house. It was nice not having to drive through all that, but I didn't sleep worth anything. Went to bed around 12, and woke up at 2. Stayed up till 5-5:30 or so, and slept till 10, then got up.
Besides that, things haven't been too bad lately. Parents still a total pain in the ass, but that's nothing new. I can't speak with them at all without them trying to argue something. My lack of any attempt to ignore their ignorance is just as bad, but still. They're wanting me to go to college still, but I don't think I can do it. Having to live here another 2 years would be hell. Plus, everything involved with my transition doesn't help matters worse.
Speaking of that, it's been progressing quite well. Ok, here's something for anyone reading with their nipples pierced. I had my right nipple pierced. (Couldn't do the left it hurt so bad, lol.) Well, the expected tenderness and occasional pain had started rather early, but was more located in my left boob, rather than roughly even between them. A better explanation would be this. On a scale of 1-10 of increasing pain, my left boobs pain and tenderness was around a 5 or 6. My right boob was barely a 1. It was tender, but no worse than a light bruise.
So, worried that my nipple ring may affect growth, I stressed over it for a week or 2. Finally a couple days ago, I took it out. Kinda weird feeling it not there anymore, but it was out for good. Well, in a couple days, my left boob was a steady 6 now, and my right boob went from a 1 to almost 5. Besides my limited experience of this one time, I seriously think having your nipples pierced would hinder good breast growth. Just my non-medical opinion. But seriously think about it if you're just starting out in your transition.
I meant to say in my last post that as of roughly 2 full months of hormones (maybe 3, can't remember), here's my progress. I was a typical hairy guy with fast hair growth everywhere, and course hair. Now, don't have to shave my legs but every 2 to 3 days. Face, almost 2 full days before a shave is really needed. Arm hair has become soft and is thinning. Weight hasn't been a problem what so ever for me, unlike some girls. I was around 245 or so (I'm 6'3"), and now, I think last I weighed, I was 228. Also, in texting a friend who hadn't seen me since before I started hormones, said there were things he noticed, like a little change in my face, and attitude.
So far in my transition, things are going great. Couldn't ask for it to be better. I'm at the point with my parents I'll be looking into low income housing to get out of here. If my fiance and I can get a place, I'm going to go full time, and after a year roughly, I'm going to go to the only Dr in Knoxville that does anything with transpeople and get a paper to get my hormones the legal way and to get some plastic surgery. I've actually been thinking of staying pre-op but getting an orchiectomy, basically castration. Then I wouldn't have to deal with taking Spiro and would need less estrogen, which means cheaper meds. The first thing I need to do is get a tracheal shave. My Adams Apple has been a source of embarrassment and depression since I was little, even before I realized I was trans. I was made fun of for it because my puberty hit in just a years period. Whatever. That's all a while from now. Well, I'm gonna go get me a cigg before King Of The Hill comes on. Later! :)
Besides that, things haven't been too bad lately. Parents still a total pain in the ass, but that's nothing new. I can't speak with them at all without them trying to argue something. My lack of any attempt to ignore their ignorance is just as bad, but still. They're wanting me to go to college still, but I don't think I can do it. Having to live here another 2 years would be hell. Plus, everything involved with my transition doesn't help matters worse.
Speaking of that, it's been progressing quite well. Ok, here's something for anyone reading with their nipples pierced. I had my right nipple pierced. (Couldn't do the left it hurt so bad, lol.) Well, the expected tenderness and occasional pain had started rather early, but was more located in my left boob, rather than roughly even between them. A better explanation would be this. On a scale of 1-10 of increasing pain, my left boobs pain and tenderness was around a 5 or 6. My right boob was barely a 1. It was tender, but no worse than a light bruise.
So, worried that my nipple ring may affect growth, I stressed over it for a week or 2. Finally a couple days ago, I took it out. Kinda weird feeling it not there anymore, but it was out for good. Well, in a couple days, my left boob was a steady 6 now, and my right boob went from a 1 to almost 5. Besides my limited experience of this one time, I seriously think having your nipples pierced would hinder good breast growth. Just my non-medical opinion. But seriously think about it if you're just starting out in your transition.
I meant to say in my last post that as of roughly 2 full months of hormones (maybe 3, can't remember), here's my progress. I was a typical hairy guy with fast hair growth everywhere, and course hair. Now, don't have to shave my legs but every 2 to 3 days. Face, almost 2 full days before a shave is really needed. Arm hair has become soft and is thinning. Weight hasn't been a problem what so ever for me, unlike some girls. I was around 245 or so (I'm 6'3"), and now, I think last I weighed, I was 228. Also, in texting a friend who hadn't seen me since before I started hormones, said there were things he noticed, like a little change in my face, and attitude.
So far in my transition, things are going great. Couldn't ask for it to be better. I'm at the point with my parents I'll be looking into low income housing to get out of here. If my fiance and I can get a place, I'm going to go full time, and after a year roughly, I'm going to go to the only Dr in Knoxville that does anything with transpeople and get a paper to get my hormones the legal way and to get some plastic surgery. I've actually been thinking of staying pre-op but getting an orchiectomy, basically castration. Then I wouldn't have to deal with taking Spiro and would need less estrogen, which means cheaper meds. The first thing I need to do is get a tracheal shave. My Adams Apple has been a source of embarrassment and depression since I was little, even before I realized I was trans. I was made fun of for it because my puberty hit in just a years period. Whatever. That's all a while from now. Well, I'm gonna go get me a cigg before King Of The Hill comes on. Later! :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Been a good day today. (Long post)
Today was nice. It was the fiances last day off for vacation. We went to Ruby Tuesday and ate appetizers, and went to my friend and her husbands house to play some Wii and eat pizza. Not as good as I had hoped, but we got a late start, and made the best of it we could.
I ended up getting a new (to me) phone. My purple LG Rumor Touch fell behind the bed the other day. It started turning on and off constantly, so it was obvious it was time for another phone. It is still under warranty, but not having insurance, it would have to be shipped back to the manufacturer for an unknown amount of time. I'm addicted to texting, so that wasn't an option. So off to Craigslist I went. All I was finding were cheapo old flip phones, and Blackberry's. my fiance texted about a couple Blackberrys, but no luck. Then it hit me when she and I were at the book signing of Alex Debagorski. My friend Megan has a Blackberry that she isn't using. :)
After a bit of texting, we worke out a deal for it, and of we went to her house to get it. We hung out for a bit and the fiance had quite a bit of trouble getting the phone activated for me. Megans house is in a hole that cell signals don't make it to.
My first thoughts were Blackberry phones were for more business-y people, but OMG! I've fallen in love with them now. I have a purple Blackberry Curve 8530. Not the newest one, but still really nice.
It's considered entry level, but I'm amazed at what it can do. I've gotten many apps for it, and am in the process of finding a cover. I'll do my own review tomorrow if I get a free moment.
Anyway, I've been slowly upping my meds. Estrogen is at 3 mg and Spiro till yesterday was at 250 mg. The past couple days, I've been getting hat flashes like no other and a bit of nausea sporatically. None of it was bad, just uncomfortable. I've been at 3 mg of estrogen for about a full month, but 250 mg of Spiro for a couple days. So seeing the pattern, I cut my Spiro to 200 mg again today. No hot flashes or nausea, besides the normal stuff I get at night. I'll try 225 mg of the Spiro tomorrow, and if it works well, I'll stick with that till after the first of the year. I'll hopefully be getting the bloodwork done to see where my estrogen and testosterone levels are. I know they aren't exactly where they should be, but I feel like they're close. My boobs are really tender. Well, more like directly behind my nipples. And I mean really tender. Anything touching them right now hurts, but in a good way, lol,ince that means somethings going on in them. Hopefully growth. :)Also, eotions have gotten a lot stronger. I've always been a softy, but there are things nowthat are for sure going to make me cry, whether i like it or not.
But from what I've learned from my Dr, and other pre and post op girls, everyone needs a certain amount of the meds for them to work. No more, no less. Less doesn't get the desired results, and more doesn't speed up the changes, but just increases the side effects, which aren't that good. That little tid bit is why I think I'm prett darn close to where I need to be.
Anyway, I was planning on going back to school, but life seems to be taking another direction. So, at the moment, I'm going to continue the job hunt, look for a friend, and better myself with photography. No school means I more than likely will never afford SRS, but oh well. Guess that's life. Maybe I can get good enough with my photography skills I could afford it. Who knows. Kinda depressing thinking about it. Well, I'm gonna get to sleep before I get too depressed, so later.
I ended up getting a new (to me) phone. My purple LG Rumor Touch fell behind the bed the other day. It started turning on and off constantly, so it was obvious it was time for another phone. It is still under warranty, but not having insurance, it would have to be shipped back to the manufacturer for an unknown amount of time. I'm addicted to texting, so that wasn't an option. So off to Craigslist I went. All I was finding were cheapo old flip phones, and Blackberry's. my fiance texted about a couple Blackberrys, but no luck. Then it hit me when she and I were at the book signing of Alex Debagorski. My friend Megan has a Blackberry that she isn't using. :)
After a bit of texting, we worke out a deal for it, and of we went to her house to get it. We hung out for a bit and the fiance had quite a bit of trouble getting the phone activated for me. Megans house is in a hole that cell signals don't make it to.
My first thoughts were Blackberry phones were for more business-y people, but OMG! I've fallen in love with them now. I have a purple Blackberry Curve 8530. Not the newest one, but still really nice.
Anyway, I've been slowly upping my meds. Estrogen is at 3 mg and Spiro till yesterday was at 250 mg. The past couple days, I've been getting hat flashes like no other and a bit of nausea sporatically. None of it was bad, just uncomfortable. I've been at 3 mg of estrogen for about a full month, but 250 mg of Spiro for a couple days. So seeing the pattern, I cut my Spiro to 200 mg again today. No hot flashes or nausea, besides the normal stuff I get at night. I'll try 225 mg of the Spiro tomorrow, and if it works well, I'll stick with that till after the first of the year. I'll hopefully be getting the bloodwork done to see where my estrogen and testosterone levels are. I know they aren't exactly where they should be, but I feel like they're close. My boobs are really tender. Well, more like directly behind my nipples. And I mean really tender. Anything touching them right now hurts, but in a good way, lol,ince that means somethings going on in them. Hopefully growth. :)Also, eotions have gotten a lot stronger. I've always been a softy, but there are things nowthat are for sure going to make me cry, whether i like it or not.
But from what I've learned from my Dr, and other pre and post op girls, everyone needs a certain amount of the meds for them to work. No more, no less. Less doesn't get the desired results, and more doesn't speed up the changes, but just increases the side effects, which aren't that good. That little tid bit is why I think I'm prett darn close to where I need to be.
Anyway, I was planning on going back to school, but life seems to be taking another direction. So, at the moment, I'm going to continue the job hunt, look for a friend, and better myself with photography. No school means I more than likely will never afford SRS, but oh well. Guess that's life. Maybe I can get good enough with my photography skills I could afford it. Who knows. Kinda depressing thinking about it. Well, I'm gonna get to sleep before I get too depressed, so later.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Soapbox time...
Ok, lemme just step up onto my little soapbox... alright. Here we go.
Yesterday (Wednesday) started out another great day of my fiances vacation. We both slept late, and were just lazy all day. After dinner, we went into our room and started talking. My mom decided she must not have bitched enough today, so came and started talking through the door. I said hold on, were talking about something. Nothing new, she got pissy. All over wanting me to get the trash. Not like it couldn't have waited 5 damn minutes.
She kept on bitching about who knows what, putting me down, calling me lazy, the norm. Well, the fiance and I needed to go get some Sprites, so I figured I'd get my shoes on before I got the trash. She went into the kitchen, and my mom started running her mouth spewing lies as usual. I ignored most of it, until I heard one thing. The other day, she came banging on my door yelling she wanted to keys to my truck to get leaves. No asking nicely, just abruptly waking me and demanding them. Well, since I smoke, I'm really pissy till I have my first ciggarette. Typical smoker trait. So I told her no. Nothing more, nothing less. Didn't yell, nothing. She started yelling and bitching over who knows what (I was still haf asleep), and I dozed off. After I got up and got going for the day, she tried as hard as she could to avoid speaking to me. Turned out to be a decent day, lol.
Anyway, she brought that up tonight telling my fiance she asked me nicely and I acted all childish saying no. That did it for me. I finished getting my shoes on, and wopened the door and told her she rudely demanded th keys and she needed to stop her lieing. She said something to the sort of, well we do all kinds of stuff for you, take care of your og, etc. For one, when my fiance and I moved in here, all we asked for was a place to sleep. Nothing more. I've asked nothing of them, and not expected anything. I told her that was a load of crap and said something about my dog. (when I get pissed off, I have trouble remembering things) I told her she doesn't need to do anything with my dog for the fact she doesn't do anything I say for my dog. She tries teaching different commands than were already taught, lets her eat cat shit, get in poison Ivy (I'm really allergic).
What really gets me is my mom kicked my dog hard enough to scare her one day. That's saying something since my dog doesn't show emotion ever when it comes to pain, unless it's relly bad. So I don't trust her period with any animal. Well, after tonight, we decided that my parents will have nothing to do with our dog at all. Hopefully that will lift a little stress off me.
To explain how pissed off I was tonight, read on. My parents know nothing about me. Nothing. I've dealt with suicidal depression on and off since I realized who I was (5 or 6 years old). They've instilled in me that anything other than being a stereotypical heterosexual is wrong and shameful. So, I've never been able to talk to them ever. I've actually been at the point of trying to cut my wrists or holding a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger. All because they led me to think what I was was something wrong and to be ashamed of. Just a couple months ago, my fiance sat with my till she had to go to work in the morning to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself.
My mom had me so worked up, I wanted to just say, look, because of your small minded way of thinking, you made me the way I am. I've been depressed my whole life, not getting to experience it the way I should because you've made me feel ashamed about who I am. Well, I'm transgendered and proud of it. I won't be ashamed anymore. I'm already on hormone replacement therapy, and I plan on living full time as a woman as soo as I get the hell away from you.
Well, that's what I would have said if she hadn't walked off trying to get pity from me. I'm still irritated enough that I may still tell her anyway. I'm wanting to go to college, but I can' afford the $20 enrollment fee and the gas to get there since I had to get a new (to me) phone the other day. My grants, if I figured them right, should pay for everything, minus supplies. My aprents said they'd help with school, but I seriously believe that was just another lie. So, when I ask if they're for sure, not maybe, helping with school, and they say no, I may tell them. The fiance and I are seriously thinking about taking up a friends mom for a room at her house to get the fuck away from here.
Ugh, I need to get to bed.
~Stepping off soapbox~
Yesterday (Wednesday) started out another great day of my fiances vacation. We both slept late, and were just lazy all day. After dinner, we went into our room and started talking. My mom decided she must not have bitched enough today, so came and started talking through the door. I said hold on, were talking about something. Nothing new, she got pissy. All over wanting me to get the trash. Not like it couldn't have waited 5 damn minutes.
She kept on bitching about who knows what, putting me down, calling me lazy, the norm. Well, the fiance and I needed to go get some Sprites, so I figured I'd get my shoes on before I got the trash. She went into the kitchen, and my mom started running her mouth spewing lies as usual. I ignored most of it, until I heard one thing. The other day, she came banging on my door yelling she wanted to keys to my truck to get leaves. No asking nicely, just abruptly waking me and demanding them. Well, since I smoke, I'm really pissy till I have my first ciggarette. Typical smoker trait. So I told her no. Nothing more, nothing less. Didn't yell, nothing. She started yelling and bitching over who knows what (I was still haf asleep), and I dozed off. After I got up and got going for the day, she tried as hard as she could to avoid speaking to me. Turned out to be a decent day, lol.
Anyway, she brought that up tonight telling my fiance she asked me nicely and I acted all childish saying no. That did it for me. I finished getting my shoes on, and wopened the door and told her she rudely demanded th keys and she needed to stop her lieing. She said something to the sort of, well we do all kinds of stuff for you, take care of your og, etc. For one, when my fiance and I moved in here, all we asked for was a place to sleep. Nothing more. I've asked nothing of them, and not expected anything. I told her that was a load of crap and said something about my dog. (when I get pissed off, I have trouble remembering things) I told her she doesn't need to do anything with my dog for the fact she doesn't do anything I say for my dog. She tries teaching different commands than were already taught, lets her eat cat shit, get in poison Ivy (I'm really allergic).
What really gets me is my mom kicked my dog hard enough to scare her one day. That's saying something since my dog doesn't show emotion ever when it comes to pain, unless it's relly bad. So I don't trust her period with any animal. Well, after tonight, we decided that my parents will have nothing to do with our dog at all. Hopefully that will lift a little stress off me.
To explain how pissed off I was tonight, read on. My parents know nothing about me. Nothing. I've dealt with suicidal depression on and off since I realized who I was (5 or 6 years old). They've instilled in me that anything other than being a stereotypical heterosexual is wrong and shameful. So, I've never been able to talk to them ever. I've actually been at the point of trying to cut my wrists or holding a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger. All because they led me to think what I was was something wrong and to be ashamed of. Just a couple months ago, my fiance sat with my till she had to go to work in the morning to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself.
My mom had me so worked up, I wanted to just say, look, because of your small minded way of thinking, you made me the way I am. I've been depressed my whole life, not getting to experience it the way I should because you've made me feel ashamed about who I am. Well, I'm transgendered and proud of it. I won't be ashamed anymore. I'm already on hormone replacement therapy, and I plan on living full time as a woman as soo as I get the hell away from you.
Well, that's what I would have said if she hadn't walked off trying to get pity from me. I'm still irritated enough that I may still tell her anyway. I'm wanting to go to college, but I can' afford the $20 enrollment fee and the gas to get there since I had to get a new (to me) phone the other day. My grants, if I figured them right, should pay for everything, minus supplies. My aprents said they'd help with school, but I seriously believe that was just another lie. So, when I ask if they're for sure, not maybe, helping with school, and they say no, I may tell them. The fiance and I are seriously thinking about taking up a friends mom for a room at her house to get the fuck away from here.
Ugh, I need to get to bed.
~Stepping off soapbox~
Friday, November 26, 2010
A new post
Well, I got in one of my down spots for the past month and really didn't feel like it was worth the effort of posting. My fiance brought the blog up today wondering why I hadn't posted, and it got me thinking.
For a little update, I've been steadily put down by my parents (as usual), been struggling with the idea of college, and still looking for work, found out my parents house has a quite large amount of toxic black mold in it, and had a good Turkey Day.
Starting with the first thing, my parents. Literally nothing I do is good enough for them. I can do things around the property word for word they say, and they wonder why I half assed it. The reason everything gets half assed is because they nly want things done just good enough to get away with it. It drives me crazy. When I was an ironworker, I didn't learn much, but I learned how to take pride in whatever I do. Now, I know now that's been said, I probably should do everything they say at least level above their liking, but they've run what could be a (even in this economy) $190,000 house on right under 2 acres of land into the ground. The bathroom wall is rotting and they won't let me fix it, the bathroom floor is rotting and they won't let me fix it, the house is settling really uneven so nothing has a 90 degree angle anymore, their RV (which could be nearly immaculate has a ton of half assed repairs on it, and even though they said I could have the garage for my electronics shop, I can't get electricity run to it so I can actually do something when it's cold. Tube equipment just doesn't work right in the damn cold. They're too ignorant to understand it, even explaning it in the most dumbed down way I can possibly imagine. What gets me burning on this subject is the fact I volunteered to fix the wall and floor of the bathroom as soon as the problems arose. The wall was almost 3 years ago. All it needed was a tile or two put back after coming loose. Now, the wall is rotting and full of mold. I volunteered to do the floor the day I found out about it, but they don't think I can do it. I even got the approval of my building skills from a master woodworker/electronics engineer. They'd rather wait till the floor falls and pay thousands rather than the $150 I would have done it for. Can you believe that? This house is a piece of shit now, and I hope to God they don't ever want to give it to me. I'd doze it down in a heartbeat. Anyway.
Next is college. I don't see the economy getting better, even though the network propoganda says otherwise. I believe that's it's only going to get worse and education is going to be the key for those to survive. Real quick, I'm not a downer. I try my damdest to see the better side of everything in the world, but I also call it like I see it. I was wanting to do nursing for almost a year now. The thought of helping people in such a special way was so fulfilling. But my parents, as usual ragged on it steadily till I had to change my mind. Now I'm back to computers. Computers are a hobby to me, so I despise the idea of doing it as a job because I know it will no longer be a hobby. But I need something to get out of here. But the way they keep putting me down, I'm to the point of being willing to get a minimum wage job just to get the hell away from them. Even if it meant no school.
Looking for work right now is a crap shoot. 'Nuff said.
The mold. I dread telling my parent what I found out about the black mold. They freak out over the slightest thing, and when they do, they put me down even more. If it weren't for the fact it's toxic, I'd keep my mouth shut and let their house fall apart.
Turkey day was good, seeing the fiances family. It's one of the only places I'm not feeling like shit 24/7 and I'm actually happy there. Yes, I get bored sometimes, but I'm still happy. Had good food, so all is well there.
Well, I'll get off my soapbox and quit bitching. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. :)
PS, I upped my meds and am feeling a major positive result from it. More tomorrow.
For a little update, I've been steadily put down by my parents (as usual), been struggling with the idea of college, and still looking for work, found out my parents house has a quite large amount of toxic black mold in it, and had a good Turkey Day.
Starting with the first thing, my parents. Literally nothing I do is good enough for them. I can do things around the property word for word they say, and they wonder why I half assed it. The reason everything gets half assed is because they nly want things done just good enough to get away with it. It drives me crazy. When I was an ironworker, I didn't learn much, but I learned how to take pride in whatever I do. Now, I know now that's been said, I probably should do everything they say at least level above their liking, but they've run what could be a (even in this economy) $190,000 house on right under 2 acres of land into the ground. The bathroom wall is rotting and they won't let me fix it, the bathroom floor is rotting and they won't let me fix it, the house is settling really uneven so nothing has a 90 degree angle anymore, their RV (which could be nearly immaculate has a ton of half assed repairs on it, and even though they said I could have the garage for my electronics shop, I can't get electricity run to it so I can actually do something when it's cold. Tube equipment just doesn't work right in the damn cold. They're too ignorant to understand it, even explaning it in the most dumbed down way I can possibly imagine. What gets me burning on this subject is the fact I volunteered to fix the wall and floor of the bathroom as soon as the problems arose. The wall was almost 3 years ago. All it needed was a tile or two put back after coming loose. Now, the wall is rotting and full of mold. I volunteered to do the floor the day I found out about it, but they don't think I can do it. I even got the approval of my building skills from a master woodworker/electronics engineer. They'd rather wait till the floor falls and pay thousands rather than the $150 I would have done it for. Can you believe that? This house is a piece of shit now, and I hope to God they don't ever want to give it to me. I'd doze it down in a heartbeat. Anyway.
Next is college. I don't see the economy getting better, even though the network propoganda says otherwise. I believe that's it's only going to get worse and education is going to be the key for those to survive. Real quick, I'm not a downer. I try my damdest to see the better side of everything in the world, but I also call it like I see it. I was wanting to do nursing for almost a year now. The thought of helping people in such a special way was so fulfilling. But my parents, as usual ragged on it steadily till I had to change my mind. Now I'm back to computers. Computers are a hobby to me, so I despise the idea of doing it as a job because I know it will no longer be a hobby. But I need something to get out of here. But the way they keep putting me down, I'm to the point of being willing to get a minimum wage job just to get the hell away from them. Even if it meant no school.
Looking for work right now is a crap shoot. 'Nuff said.
The mold. I dread telling my parent what I found out about the black mold. They freak out over the slightest thing, and when they do, they put me down even more. If it weren't for the fact it's toxic, I'd keep my mouth shut and let their house fall apart.
Turkey day was good, seeing the fiances family. It's one of the only places I'm not feeling like shit 24/7 and I'm actually happy there. Yes, I get bored sometimes, but I'm still happy. Had good food, so all is well there.
Well, I'll get off my soapbox and quit bitching. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. :)
PS, I upped my meds and am feeling a major positive result from it. More tomorrow.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Hormones again
Ok, got my Spiro yesterday. I got a 100 pill bottle with 25 mg pills. I'm taking 2 day, to make up the 50 mg I want to start with. I'm not splitting up the dosage through the day, taking it all at once. Next month, bump up to 100 mg, then the month after, 200 mg. I may even for to 3-400 mg, but I'm not sure. I may see if my Dr can d some blood work to tell me where my levels are, so I can get closer.
Being my first day, I got very tired. Not surprised, as it was one of the things I expected. No increase in thirst, but I was so hungry it wasn't funny. After I wake up later today, it will be day 2.
Being my first day, I got very tired. Not surprised, as it was one of the things I expected. No increase in thirst, but I was so hungry it wasn't funny. After I wake up later today, it will be day 2.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hormones
Sorry for the lack of posts, but I've been in a good mood. Saturday morning, I got my estrogen in the mail. :D I went ahead and started it, even though my spiro isn't here yet. Hopefully it will be in the next day or so.
For those of you I don't talk to regularly, I'm self medicating. Can't afford a shrink at the moment, so I'm not able to get the hormones from a Dr. yet. My Dr. and other trans girls I know had told me a couple things, and being sensitive to medicines, I'm taking it easy starting out. 2mg of estrogen and I can't remember what dose of spiro I ordered. Next month or so, I'll bump up the estrogen to 4, then eventually 6 mg. Spiro will end up around 200 mg in the end. Still wondering about taking progesterone. If I can get a job soon, I may take it whether or not it would help. I've heard info both ways so if I can afford it, I'll take it.
Another plus since I last posted is that I figured out hw to conceal my 5 o'clock shadow. There's not much since I don't have much facial hair to begin with, but I now won't be showing it when I have makeup on.
For those of you I don't talk to regularly, I'm self medicating. Can't afford a shrink at the moment, so I'm not able to get the hormones from a Dr. yet. My Dr. and other trans girls I know had told me a couple things, and being sensitive to medicines, I'm taking it easy starting out. 2mg of estrogen and I can't remember what dose of spiro I ordered. Next month or so, I'll bump up the estrogen to 4, then eventually 6 mg. Spiro will end up around 200 mg in the end. Still wondering about taking progesterone. If I can get a job soon, I may take it whether or not it would help. I've heard info both ways so if I can afford it, I'll take it.
Another plus since I last posted is that I figured out hw to conceal my 5 o'clock shadow. There's not much since I don't have much facial hair to begin with, but I now won't be showing it when I have makeup on.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I dunno why, but today was a good day.
Today was just a good day. Don't know why though, but I'm not questioning it. I figured out that by doing something similar to teasing, I could get a lot more body to my hair, and it isn't all knotted up either. It's awesome. Plus, talking to my friend last night, I just felt like my self esteem was up a bit. I didn't feel disgusted looking in the mirror for the first time in a while. Pretty good feeling. Well, time for a Wally World trip! Later!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Yay!
I met someone on Craigslist not too long ago while I was searching for a friend. Well, the more I talk to her, the more I'm just like, wow. There's just something about her that gets my self esteem up, and she and I haven't even met yet! I hope things keep going this well so we can be best friends. I really think we will, but I don't want to jinx myself.
Another boring day
Not much happened today, other than boredom. Worked on my desktop, and waited another day for my hormones to get here. Maybe tomorrow.
Something I thought about today is my website and a forum I'm on after I go full time. The website wouldn't matter that much, but the forum is what's the most important, as it is populated by a bunch of old men. Most are small minded so I can't really let them know about me.
I was thinking maybe before I go full time, tell everyone there that I'm selling my site to a woman that's into that stuff. Maybe introduce "her" and she have her own name there. I don't know though. That forum s most of what I do in my free time, so I don't think I could just stop going. Plus, I learn so much there.
Who knows, though. Guess I'll just deal with it when the time comes.
Something I thought about today is my website and a forum I'm on after I go full time. The website wouldn't matter that much, but the forum is what's the most important, as it is populated by a bunch of old men. Most are small minded so I can't really let them know about me.
I was thinking maybe before I go full time, tell everyone there that I'm selling my site to a woman that's into that stuff. Maybe introduce "her" and she have her own name there. I don't know though. That forum s most of what I do in my free time, so I don't think I could just stop going. Plus, I learn so much there.
Who knows, though. Guess I'll just deal with it when the time comes.
The Rev from A7X
If you know who A7X is, then you know The Rev is no longer with us. I just found out that he wrote all the songs himself on their now released album. What makes that significant is the song, Buried Alive. Listening to it made me cry. His lyrics showed there wasn't something right. Too bad he had to leave us so young, and only 28 years old. It's so sad.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Randomness
Well, I just figure since I'm still up, I could post again. I'm searching for a bra that I could wear now that wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb, since I live in a town of homophobes. I already have a small A cup, which is enough I need a bra. But, I don't want it to be obvious at the moment. Since I can't come out to my parents, everything is still hidden for now.
But on another note, sometime next week, I should be getting my glasses I ordered fro Zenni Optical. I'm really nervous because of the sizing issues I had before ordering. I've wore contacts since I was very little, and have had only one pair of glasses, and they didn't really fit IMO. The optometrist that fit me really didn't know what he was doing. So wearing glasses then was unbearable. The main thing was they were too narrow of frames, so they were tight on my head.
Here's what is on the way to me.
Once I get a bit more cash, I'll be ordering some girly ones I found, but till then, these will work. A
Anyway, time for King of the Hill! Later!
But on another note, sometime next week, I should be getting my glasses I ordered fro Zenni Optical. I'm really nervous because of the sizing issues I had before ordering. I've wore contacts since I was very little, and have had only one pair of glasses, and they didn't really fit IMO. The optometrist that fit me really didn't know what he was doing. So wearing glasses then was unbearable. The main thing was they were too narrow of frames, so they were tight on my head.
Here's what is on the way to me.
Once I get a bit more cash, I'll be ordering some girly ones I found, but till then, these will work. A
Anyway, time for King of the Hill! Later!
About Me.
Well, I guess I could start by telling a bit about myself, even though no one knows about this yet, lol.
I'm a 25 year old trans girl, that's just getting going with my transition. As of now, I still live as a guy, but that's only because my parents are small minded and stuck in the past. I live at their house because of the economy, so living as a woman, isn't really an option. I'd give almost anything to be able to live as a woman right now.
Anyway, I've known I was trans since I was 5 or 6 years old. I realized that when 2 of my female cousins started puberty, and remembered I didn't have the same equipment as them. That started my life long depression. I went to therapy multiple times till I got my license, and then I just quit going. Not like it was doing any good anyway. Several years of depression went on, along with several girlfriends one after the other, trying to bury what I thought was a curse.
Well, when I was dating and living with a girlfriend, one night I was Google searching trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Then I came across shemale porn. I thought, holy crap. I can make myself how I feel I am since others have already done it! That was when I realized my life took a major turn. A month or two later, I said something to her about it, and she laughed her ass off at me. Looking back, that was no real surprise. So, I buried those feelings again, and the depression came back.
She and I broke up, and being single again, I started thinking about it all again. Then, I got with a fiery redhead, that was loony as anyone could imagine. Anyway, other than one lesbian experience that she denies to this day, she thought it was really interesting that I wanted to be a woman, but didn't want to be a woman. So she and I split partially because of that, and partially because neither of us could be honest with each other.
Time went on, and I just happened to have some clothing and a bra that the first ex I mentioned left when we split. I would wear those clothes (she and I were exactly the same height and weight, so same sizes) whenever I would get depressed about being a guy, which helped me get through the weeks. I met a girl that was all for me being a woman. She helped get me some clothes, and open up to who I really was. I don't know where she is anymore, but I'll never forget her.
Not too long after meeting her, I started dating a guy, but dropped him like a bad habit when I met my fiance. She was totally against my wanting to be a woman at first, but she's warmed up in the 4 years we've been together. Now, she's the driving force keeping me going, and keeping me from depression.
Alright, lastly, I ordered hormones and anti-androgens recently, and am waiting for them to get here. Now, I know self medicating isn't safe, but going without them, I was at the point of suicide, and I would rather die than take them, so the risk is well worth it for me. Well, that's all for tonight. More later.
I'm a 25 year old trans girl, that's just getting going with my transition. As of now, I still live as a guy, but that's only because my parents are small minded and stuck in the past. I live at their house because of the economy, so living as a woman, isn't really an option. I'd give almost anything to be able to live as a woman right now.
Anyway, I've known I was trans since I was 5 or 6 years old. I realized that when 2 of my female cousins started puberty, and remembered I didn't have the same equipment as them. That started my life long depression. I went to therapy multiple times till I got my license, and then I just quit going. Not like it was doing any good anyway. Several years of depression went on, along with several girlfriends one after the other, trying to bury what I thought was a curse.
Well, when I was dating and living with a girlfriend, one night I was Google searching trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Then I came across shemale porn. I thought, holy crap. I can make myself how I feel I am since others have already done it! That was when I realized my life took a major turn. A month or two later, I said something to her about it, and she laughed her ass off at me. Looking back, that was no real surprise. So, I buried those feelings again, and the depression came back.
She and I broke up, and being single again, I started thinking about it all again. Then, I got with a fiery redhead, that was loony as anyone could imagine. Anyway, other than one lesbian experience that she denies to this day, she thought it was really interesting that I wanted to be a woman, but didn't want to be a woman. So she and I split partially because of that, and partially because neither of us could be honest with each other.
Time went on, and I just happened to have some clothing and a bra that the first ex I mentioned left when we split. I would wear those clothes (she and I were exactly the same height and weight, so same sizes) whenever I would get depressed about being a guy, which helped me get through the weeks. I met a girl that was all for me being a woman. She helped get me some clothes, and open up to who I really was. I don't know where she is anymore, but I'll never forget her.
Not too long after meeting her, I started dating a guy, but dropped him like a bad habit when I met my fiance. She was totally against my wanting to be a woman at first, but she's warmed up in the 4 years we've been together. Now, she's the driving force keeping me going, and keeping me from depression.
Alright, lastly, I ordered hormones and anti-androgens recently, and am waiting for them to get here. Now, I know self medicating isn't safe, but going without them, I was at the point of suicide, and I would rather die than take them, so the risk is well worth it for me. Well, that's all for tonight. More later.
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