A new post

Well, I got in one of my down spots for the past month and really didn't feel like it was worth the effort of posting. My fiance brought the blog up today wondering why I hadn't posted, and it got me thinking.

For a little update, I've been steadily put down by my parents (as usual), been struggling with the idea of college, and still looking for work, found out my parents house has a quite large amount of toxic black mold in it, and had a good Turkey Day.

Starting with the first thing, my parents. Literally nothing I do is good enough for them. I can do things around the property word for word they say, and they wonder why I half assed it. The reason everything gets half assed is because they nly want things done just good enough to get away with it. It drives me crazy. When I was an ironworker, I didn't learn much, but I learned how to take pride in whatever I do. Now, I know now that's been said, I probably should do everything they say at least  level above their liking, but they've run what could be a (even in this economy) $190,000 house on right under 2 acres of land into the ground. The bathroom wall is rotting and they won't let me fix it, the bathroom floor is rotting and they won't let me fix it, the house is settling really uneven so nothing has a 90 degree angle anymore, their RV (which could be nearly immaculate has a ton of half assed repairs on it, and even though they said I could have the garage for my electronics shop, I can't get electricity run to it so I can actually do something when it's cold. Tube equipment just doesn't work right in the damn cold. They're too ignorant to understand it, even explaning it in the most dumbed down way I can possibly imagine. What gets me burning on this subject is the fact I volunteered to fix the wall and floor of the bathroom as soon as the problems arose. The wall was almost 3 years ago. All it needed was a tile or two put back after coming loose. Now, the wall is rotting and full of mold. I volunteered to do the floor the day I found out about it, but they don't think I can do it. I even got the approval of my building skills from a master woodworker/electronics engineer. They'd rather wait till the floor falls and pay thousands rather than the $150 I would have done it for. Can you believe that? This house is a piece of shit now, and I hope to God they don't ever want to give it to me. I'd doze it down in a heartbeat. Anyway.

Next is college. I don't see the economy getting better, even though the network propoganda says otherwise. I believe that's it's only going to get worse and education is going to be the key for those to survive. Real quick, I'm not a downer. I try my damdest to see the better side of everything in the world, but I also call it like I see it. I was wanting to do nursing for almost a year now. The thought of helping people in such a special way was so fulfilling. But my parents, as usual ragged on it steadily till I had to change my mind. Now I'm back to computers. Computers are a hobby to me, so I despise the idea of doing it as a job because I know it will no longer be a hobby. But I need something to get out of here. But the way they keep putting me down, I'm to the point of being willing to get a minimum wage job just to get the hell away from them. Even if it meant no school.

Looking for work right now is a crap shoot. 'Nuff said.

The mold. I dread telling my parent what I found out about the black mold. They freak out over the slightest thing, and when they do, they put me down even more. If it weren't for the fact it's toxic, I'd keep my mouth shut and let their house fall apart.

Turkey day was good, seeing the fiances family. It's one of the only places I'm not feeling like shit 24/7 and I'm actually happy there. Yes, I get bored sometimes, but I'm still happy. Had good food, so all is well there.

Well, I'll get off my soapbox and quit bitching. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. :)

PS, I upped my meds and am feeling a major positive result from it. More tomorrow.

Hormones again

Ok, got my Spiro yesterday. I got a 100 pill bottle with 25 mg pills. I'm taking 2  day, to make up the 50 mg I want to start with. I'm not splitting up the dosage through the day, taking it all at once. Next month, bump up to 100 mg, then the month after, 200 mg. I may even for to 3-400 mg, but I'm not sure. I may see if my Dr can d some blood work to tell me where my levels are, so I can get closer.

Being my first day, I got very tired. Not surprised, as it was one of the things I expected. No increase in thirst, but I was so hungry it wasn't funny. After I wake up later today, it will be day 2.

Hormones

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I've been in a good mood. Saturday morning, I got my estrogen in the mail. :D I went ahead and started it, even though my spiro isn't here yet. Hopefully it will be in the next day or so.

For those of you I don't talk to regularly, I'm self medicating. Can't afford a shrink at the moment, so I'm not able to get the hormones from a Dr. yet. My Dr. and other trans girls I know had told me a couple things, and being sensitive to medicines, I'm taking it easy starting out. 2mg of estrogen and I can't remember what dose of spiro I ordered. Next month or so, I'll bump up the estrogen to 4, then eventually 6 mg. Spiro will end up around 200 mg in the end. Still wondering about taking progesterone. If I can get a job soon, I may take it whether or not it would help. I've heard info both ways so if I can afford it, I'll take it.

Another plus since I last posted is that I figured out hw to conceal my 5 o'clock shadow. There's not much since I don't have much facial hair to begin with, but I now won't be showing it when I have makeup on.

I dunno why, but today was a good day.

Today was just a good day. Don't know why though, but I'm not questioning it. I figured out that by doing something similar to teasing, I could get a lot more body to my hair, and it isn't all knotted up either. It's awesome. Plus, talking to my friend last night, I just felt like my self esteem was up a bit. I didn't feel disgusted looking in the mirror for the first time in a while. Pretty good feeling. Well, time for a Wally World trip! Later!

Yay!

I met someone on Craigslist not too long ago while I was searching for a friend. Well, the more I talk to her, the more I'm just like, wow. There's just something about her that gets my self esteem up, and she and I haven't even met yet! I hope things keep going this well so we can be best friends. I really think we will, but I don't want to jinx myself.

Another boring day

Not much happened today, other than boredom. Worked on my desktop, and waited another day for my hormones to get here. Maybe tomorrow.


Something I thought about today is my website and a forum I'm on after I go full time. The website wouldn't matter that much, but the forum is what's the most important, as it is populated by a bunch of old men. Most are small minded so I can't really let them know about me.

I was thinking maybe before I go full time, tell everyone there that I'm selling my site to a woman that's into that stuff. Maybe introduce "her" and she have her own name there. I don't know though. That forum s most of what I do in my free time, so I don't think I could just stop going. Plus, I learn so much there.

Who knows, though. Guess I'll just deal with it when the time comes.

The Rev from A7X

If you know who A7X is, then you know The Rev is no longer with us. I just found out that he wrote all the songs himself on their now released album. What makes that significant is the song, Buried Alive. Listening to it made me cry. His lyrics showed there wasn't something right. Too bad he had to leave us so young, and only 28 years old. It's so sad.