Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A major life changing experience.

Well, Tiffany left me. Not that I didn't see it coming, but she left.

When she left, it was on a Monday. I woke up, started texting her, and got no reply. (The first sign) I as usual started freaking out, cause my mind thought, 1, she was in a car wreck and something had happened to her, or 2, she left me. She finally texted me back when I said I was coming to Motel 6 here she worked, and said she had left a note in our room.

That's how she had tried leaving me in the past. Not by talking about the problems we were having, but leaving a note that essentially would say she was running away from her problems. Nothing new.

Anyway, her note said she was leaving for a day or two, and then she'd be back to talk to me. As usual, since I actually cared about our relationship, unlike her, I freaked and was trying everything I knew to get her to come to me so we could talk about things. By the time she texted back, she said she was too far to come back, which was a load of shit if you really love someone. No distance is too far for love.

I, being a cutter and suicidal, went into that mode again. I was going to start cutting myself at home while I was trying to get her to come home. But I knew if my parents saw bloody towels, they'd ask what happened, so I grabbed a towel and left. I drove around for a few minutes, and finally decided on Food City to be here I was going to cut myself. I parked behing the gas pumps at the road, since I knew others wouldn't likely see me when parking. I sat there for about a half hour, and thought I would just go ahead. So I got out my knife, and thought, I have nothing else to live for, so why bother living. I no longer had my fiance, I had no real job (I'm self employed), no house of my own, and like 3 friends that wouldn't even notice I was gone.

So instead of cutting the inside of my thigh like usual, I was just going to hack through my wrists and sever every vein and artery I could get do. I sat there and thought about it for a few minues, and decided that was what I wanted to do. I put my phone in my lap, held my open knife in my right hand, and layed my left arm on my leg, wrist up.

I don't have any idea what made me do it, but before I started cutting, I picked up my phone and texted the best woman in the world, Whitney. All I said was I'm going to cut my wrist. Not a minute later after I had opened my knife again, she texted back. Her words were "Get your ass to my house now!" Again, I don't know why, but I put my knife up and went to her.

When I got there, Whitney and her friend from rehab Kari were waiting for me. When I went in, the first thing that happened was Whitney came to me, and hugged me while I cried for a minute. Then, Kari hugged me, and I broke down crying and started shaking. I didn't feel like I could even stand so they helped me to the couch. We all sat there and talked for a while, and I explained what happened to them. They both thought what Tiffany did was horrible, but tried to console me and convince me there might be a chance she would come back to me. I knew she wouldn't though.

Whitney and Kari both wanted me to stay that night cause they were afraid I might try cutting my wrist again. They were right though. If I were alone, I would have. Later, we all piled into my Yota to go to a friends house. He found out I'm trans and was completely cool with it. He said, you're the same person I knew years ago, just with different looks. That made me feel good.

Once we made it back to Whitney's house, they were ready for bed. So I layed on the couch and started crying again.Whitney and Kari came back into the living room to find out what was wrong. More talking, and they asked me to come sleep with them. I said I didn't wanna bother them, and I'd be fine on the couch. I guess no wasn't an answer and they almost drug me to bed with them. I got stuck in the middle, which I didn't mind one bit. :) 

I have to say that I slept better than I ever have that night. As usual, around 2ish, I woke up having to pee. When I woke up, me and Kari were cuddling. :) So I went to pee, and got back in bed with them. Whitney just moved to the middle so I wouldn't have to climb over her again. Once I got situated in bed, I was facing Whitney. She and I just stared at each other for a few minutes and I dozed off again.In the morning, I woke up cuddling with Whitney. :) How many people can say they cuddled up with 2 girls in the same night and the same bed? Lol.

Not too long after I woke up, Whitney woke up and saw the time and that her dad would be there soon to check on her. So we all got up and dressed before he got there. Anyway, he got there and checked to see how things were going with us all. The three of us hung out for a while till I realized I had a dentist appointment to go to not too long from then. They were both asking and asking if I was going to be ok to go, and I said yeah.

I left and went to the dentist. When I was taken back to the chair, as soon as my butt hit the chair, I broke down to the nurse Sherry. I told her everything, and she told me she would pray for me that night. That made me feel a little better, at least enough not to cry anymore then. Finished up there and went on home. I was sitting in my room, and I broke down again. I texted Whitney, and she told me to come back to her.

When I went back to her, she held me, and consoled me, and helped to calm me down enough to relax a little. We talked a while, and I had my bouts of crying. She started asking about things beteen me and Tiffany, the last of which was about our non-existant sex life. She didn't say anything about it, but said, I know what would make you happy right now, and she climbed on top of me and stared kissing me very passionately. She tasted so good. Whitney gave me the first erection I'd had in over a year for a woman. It was amazing. While we kissed, our hands explored a little. Not enough t really be second base, but sorta. :)

After a long while of that, she climbed off me and lit a ciggarette. I asked if I did something rong, and she said, damn, you're good. She said her ex husband wasn't anywhere near that good. :D It was late after that, so we decided to go to bed. We stripped down and got in bed, and cuddled. Words can't explain the feeling of someone wanting to cuddle since Tiffany never did. Before we went to sleep, I told Whitney that I had liked her since I first met her years and years ago. She was quiet for a second which scared the bejeezus out of me. Then, Whitney said something I never expected to hear. She said she had liked me too since I first started coming over. She said that if I had told her then, she would have left her prick of a husband for me.

We talked more and went to sleep. The next day, I had a therapy appointment, and did some stuff around the house. Whitney called later that day, I went back over, for a hile and we got to kno each other better, and I went home for the night. I went back over the next day, and we talked and decided that for now we should just be friends. Maybe we could try dating later, but now friends.

Fine by me. I owe her everything cause if she hadn't texted back Monday, I would have cut my wrist and probably be dead right now. So whatever makes her happy, makes me happy.

Friday, Tiffany said we were through. I freaked for a little bit, but not as long as someone else would. I was like screw it, I'm not letting this get me down. I just need more friends to stay happy and not give a shit. So I got on Craigslist and started looking in strictly platonic. The first ad was from a girl in Kodak, so I was like, alright. The first time someone young from somehere other than Knoxville. I emailed her and long story short, we're bff's now. Tiffanee is the best person I've ever met in my life. She's awesome. We will be friends forever, I just know it. But after replying to her ad, I posted one, and have met a super hot girl Sara. She and I have similar ideals, she's bi, and perfectly fine with me being a tranny. She actually thinks it's hot. :)

Anyway, a summary of this past week, which was a huge crossroad in my life. Tiffany Sellars left me (probably was cheating on me for like the 20th time), I almost committed suicide, got saved, met my bff, got to know Whitney on a super personal level, and met a super hottie that's sent me some pics that have gotten me all worked up. So even though Tiffany left me running away fro her problems like a little girl, I took the high road and was the better person. I wanted us to split nicely, and split our stuff, but Tiffany took the low road and became a thief. She stole a decent amount of my clothes out of spite or something along with the memory card to my camera. It doesn't surprise me in the least though. But hey, everyone gets what's coming to them. It on't be from me by any means, but God might have a say in her actions.

But, after all this, you kno what? With my bff, and my accepting parents, I don't need Tiffany and I'm actually happier now than I was with her. I also realized that besides Sara, Whitney, or a redhead girl, I'd rather be with a man than Tiffany.

She may have pissed me off and driven me to suicide, but you know what? I don't hate her. I do still love her. Because of one thing. Her help in coming out to my parents. I didn't know anyone else at the time that ould have helped and she was willing to. I'm eternally grateful for that. and out matching tattoos? I won't have mine changed. I'll always cherish the good times we had together. If it hadn't been for her stealing my clothes that were a gift from a friend, I would have been mor than willing to stay friends. But that was her choice, and i'll happily live ith it.

Anyway though, I'm seriously happier now than I ever have been in my life.

Life is good...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Just another day...

... of stress, depression, and anxiety attacks. I had a really bad relapse into deep depression Friday night. Started feeling suicidal again, told Tiffany, and she hid the knives from me. I'm glad she did because I might not have made it through the night otherwise.

But the weekend wasn't a total waste. Got to cook dinner for my friend and her husband and Tiffany. I did chicken breasts that were cut into thin slices lie strip, with paprika and garlic powder, with baked potatoes. Both of those were cooked on the grill outside, and Tiffany fixed mac and cheese and some garlic cheese bread. It was so good. They thought it was too, and that was awesome cause I haven't cooked for anyone other than Tiffany and my parents, and even if my cooking wasn't that good, I don't think they would tell me. My friends eating my cooking and liking it really meant something. They were a neutral party that could complain and it be ok.

But they didn't complain. They said they loved it. It was a good feeling. Another plus was Saturday. Got all girlified and just planned on relaxing since I had a headache, but I started feeling sick and feeling like I needed out of the house for a while. Not sure what was different that day but I just walked out the front door to my truck. No hiding anything.

That was a good day and a good confidence booster. Hopefully there will be more like that.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Seems like life is getting better

The fiance and I are getting our relationship back on track ad good again, planning on getting married soon, hopefully be full time soon, and I just seem happy. Can't get any better.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bored and hungry

Well, like the title says, I'm bored and hungry. The hormones along with my antidepressants have been changing me a lot lately. Used to love reading forums, and just browsing the web. Lately, I've been lucky to be online for more than half an hour a day now. Just don't have the desire now. And I almost always feel like I'm hungry, but nothing I eat seems to help the hunger. It's like I'm hungry for something in particular but I can't figure out what.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I'm out finally!

Well, I'm finally out to my parents, along with most everyone I know now. Went well with my family but not with the fiance's family. Oh well, I'm not going to lose sleep over it since I didn't expect anything else. (Hun, if you're reading this, I promise I didn't mean that in a bad way, just expected the worst and got it.) Anyway, I'm not sure what else to write about tonight, so I guess I'm going to bed. Later.