Thursday, December 2, 2010

Soapbox time...

Ok, lemme just step up onto my little soapbox... alright. Here we go.

Yesterday (Wednesday) started out another great day of my fiances vacation. We both slept late, and were just lazy all day. After dinner, we went into our room and started talking. My mom decided she must not have bitched enough today, so came and started talking through the door. I said hold on, were talking about something. Nothing new, she got pissy. All over wanting me to get the trash. Not like it couldn't have waited 5 damn minutes.

She kept on bitching about who knows what, putting me down, calling me lazy, the norm. Well, the fiance and I needed to go get some Sprites, so I figured I'd get my shoes on before I got the trash. She went into the kitchen, and my mom started running her mouth spewing lies as usual. I ignored most of it, until I heard one thing. The other day, she came banging on my door yelling she wanted to keys to my truck to get leaves. No asking nicely, just abruptly waking me and demanding them. Well, since I smoke, I'm really pissy till I have my first ciggarette. Typical smoker trait. So I told her no. Nothing more, nothing less. Didn't yell, nothing. She started yelling and bitching over who knows what (I was still haf asleep), and I dozed off. After I got up and got going for the day, she tried as hard as she could to avoid speaking to me. Turned out to be a decent day, lol.

Anyway, she brought that up tonight telling my fiance she asked me nicely and I acted all childish saying no. That did it for me. I finished getting my shoes on, and wopened the door and told her she rudely demanded th keys and she needed to stop her lieing. She said something to the sort of, well we do all kinds of stuff for you, take care of your og, etc. For one, when my fiance and I moved in here, all we asked for was a place to sleep. Nothing more. I've asked nothing of them, and not expected anything. I told her that was a load of crap and said something about my dog. (when I get pissed off, I have trouble remembering things) I told her she doesn't need to do anything with my dog for the fact she doesn't do anything I say for my dog. She tries teaching different commands than were already taught, lets her eat cat shit, get in poison Ivy (I'm really allergic).

What really gets me is my mom kicked my dog hard enough to scare her one day. That's saying something since my dog doesn't show emotion ever when it comes to pain, unless it's relly bad. So I don't trust her period with any animal. Well, after tonight, we decided that my parents will have nothing to do with our dog at all. Hopefully that will lift a little stress off me.

To explain how pissed off I was tonight, read on. My parents know nothing about me. Nothing. I've dealt with suicidal depression on and off since I realized who I was (5 or 6 years old). They've instilled in me that anything other than being a stereotypical heterosexual  is wrong and shameful. So, I've never been able to talk to them ever. I've actually been at the point of trying to cut my wrists or holding a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger. All because they led me to think what I was was something wrong and to be ashamed of. Just a couple months ago, my fiance sat with my till she had to go to work in the morning to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself.

My mom had me so worked up, I wanted to just say, look, because of your small minded way of thinking, you made me the way I am. I've been depressed my whole life, not getting to experience it the way I should because you've made me feel ashamed about who I am. Well, I'm transgendered and proud of it. I won't be ashamed anymore. I'm already on hormone replacement therapy, and I plan on living full time as a woman as soo as I get the hell away from you.

Well, that's what I would have said if she hadn't walked off trying to get pity from me. I'm still irritated enough that I may still tell her anyway. I'm wanting to go to college, but I can' afford the $20 enrollment fee and the gas to get there since I had to get a new (to me) phone the other day. My grants, if I figured them right, should pay for everything, minus supplies. My aprents said they'd help with school, but I seriously believe that was just another lie. So, when I ask if they're for sure, not maybe, helping with school, and they say no, I may tell them. The fiance and I are seriously thinking about taking up a friends mom for a room at her house to get the fuck away from here.

Ugh, I need to get to bed.

~Stepping off soapbox~

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